Abstract
People Love talking about how much they Love San Francisco. But lurking under that fog of adoration is an underground world of women who can’t stand it. It’s hard to articulate: on the surface, this city is everything a woman ought to want, but there’s just something…off. This essay takes a brutally honest look at the social dynamics at play in San Francisco, and seeks to articulate why people who complain about it have a point. Part I: Geeks, explores the ramifications of wealth accumulation by men unpracticed in social graces, and forms the crux of the argument. Parts II and III ook at peripheral characters, familiar from other cities but re-cast by this environment. In Part II, the married and gay men who exacerbate the feeling that one’s options are terrible; in Part III, the alpha males encouraged and allowed to extend college lifestyles in pursuit of “the next big thing.” Finally, in the Postlude, a look at those of us who remain and, in the Call to Action, what we need to do about it.
So basically men are to blame for everything. Well, that explains it. :rollseyes:
Yep. This is clearly one of those women looking for The Perfect Man (TM), and suffers shockwaves of disappointment every time she finds a man who is kind, caring, generous and awesome in a number of ways, but has — drumroll — A SLIGHT FLAW!
Wake up. There’s no such thing as perfection. Find a guy who is nice, honest and good to you, and settle down.
I’m really not trolling. Used to live in the SF Bay Area, and I have ONE MORE THING to say:
This gal thinks that ‘all those geeks’ are staying home and ‘playing video games?’…
How trite. Google is your friend:
“MyRedBook”
“SF Bay AMP”
Craigslists’ cancelled ‘Erotic Services’ traffic, all gone to Backpage.com.
Men have a LOT more options than women in ANY city. And the hub of prostitution? It’s NOT El Lay (that’s porn) or Las Vegas (well, okay, Vega is…).
Take a wild guess. As women of the bay area marry their careers and cease to be women… boys will be boys. All the way up to their 50s and 60s. Thus it has always been so when the ‘local women are not willing.’
-Johnny
I’m sorry, but I get the sense reading this blog that you have never left the financial district for anything other than the upscale bar scene. Your entire perception of San Franciscans seems limited to the minority of like-minded, like-careered people that you choose to surround yourself with. These are not the majority of San Franciscans. Go out to the Mission District, the Excelsior, or Ocean View, find a corner store or laundromat and get to know the guys without the Ivy League degrees, who have never earned more than $40,000 per year because they’ve chosen careers in education or social services or the charities that they’re genuinely passionate about, and not just doing for bulking up a resume. Meet the young people of immigrant parents who worked hard as children in their family’s business and missed out on all the SAT prep classes. Find a recent City College graduate who can’t work late at the office because he has to pick up his younger cousins or siblings from underperforming public schools while their parents work the evening janitorial shift. Either that, or move away before elitist out-of-towners like you completely drive us out of the San Francisco rental market.
THIS.
This blog amounts to “I hate everyone that I know therefore everyone in the city must suck.”
My two cents, you suck and only other shitty people will hang out with you.
Amen.
Preach on preach on…
Nailed it!
She’s obviously never been out to the United Irish Cultural Center for a few laughs and a few belts with a relaxed west of twin peaks crowd.
I mean reducing the population of SF to four categories is like saying jambalaya is made of meat, rice and some spices. Man, I love jambalaya. Maybe try to get out of the Pac Heights/Marina/Nob Hill bubble and meet some new people? Maybe stop blaming everyone else’s inadequacies and take control of your own life?
As a man not falling into any of your four archetypes, and having lived/dated here for 10+ years, I can honestly say that SF is what you make of it. I have met several stuck up women, I have fallen in love, I have dumped and I have been dumped. The City is great because of the people who choose to live here and in spite of them.
Take the bitter berry out of your organic smoothie and relax. You will have a lot more fun.
Thank you so much for this true fact. This girl needs to move out of our city…
I could not have possibly have put it any better than that. Big ups from the Mission, while I am still able to afford the rent.
Stands and applauds NativeSF! Bravo for that comment my friend, bravo!
The old cool: Moving to San Francisco.
The new cool: Talking about how much San Francisco sucks, yet not leaving.
An interesting read of a limited experience and the frustration that comes with that lack of knowledge and vapid social interaction.
Some helpful hints; Married DI athletes as you portray, generally like to marry other DI athletes… I did. Are you a DI athlete ? Or can you be his equal on both the earning and competitive scales ? That’s what we look for ( generalization but keep that in mind). We like competitive people.
Geeks; Yes they’re everywhere and will end up in most cases with girlfriends who went to CalTech… good for them.
Alpha Males: Money is power hence I must be an Alpha male… one of your respondents suggested you hang out in the Mission etc. Do that… get to know the guys that make 40k teaching school… they’re giving back to society and making a difference. That’s a real alpha male. You didn’t mention that once in your manifesto… It’s worth a try; The giving back part.
Aging Playboys; You have had one experience with a cliche… either the guy was blowing smoke up your _____, delusional or in need of therapy. Possibly you hit the trifecta…
As a fifty year old guy with two kids in college the last thing those of us with any self esteem would want is babies… That chapter is closed and the fantastic freedom that comes with it is something you’d never give up… ever.
Marriage is a dying institution, the numbers are proving this out, so get use to it. I tell my kids (a son and a daughter) don’t get married unless you want to have children. Hang with interesting people, never put yourself in a position whereby you need to be fulfilled by another, be open and honest, and most of all give back or pay it forward.
Good luck and keep writing…
Let’s start with the props first. I applaud you for putting it out there; and for the most part, you’re right. San Francisco is a horrid place to date, and in my opinion (30 years of exp before I left) not a great place to live either. Most people who are attractive are generally not geeks, or nerds, and generally speaking beautiful people are not that smart. For that, most of the attractive people have left SF. Those who stayed realized the dating remaining dating pool sucked and left shortly after. Anyways, to cut through the chase, you are generally right. By the way, I don’t mind that you only hang out in well-to-do circles. Whatever attracts you is whatever attracts you. I get that.
So let’s get to some nitty gritty now…
1. Sounds like you’re in your early 30′s. And if you are…guess what? You’re dating pool has expanded. Most men who are in their early 30′s are not interested in women in their early 30′s. Your top end should be something in the range of 45. That’s the aging playboy range, so don’t be shocked if they hit on you. That’s your current pool.
2. You might want to give yourself an honest look and ask yourself if you’re really all that in terms of attractiveness.You might be fooling yourself. I’m not pinpointing you….I think 3 out of every 5 people think they are hotter than they really are. Are you expecting more than you are attracting. It’s worth asking. Married people are off the market for a reason. They offered something that attracted someone else. Not saying it’s all about looks….but there was something interesting. It’s worth asking…
3. If you don’t like it, leave.
Thank you for the read
Preparing a rebuttal at
WHYSFREALLYISTHATBADFORGUYS.COM
Oh dear. It sounds like you’re going to be unhappy no matter what city you live in.
hi. i love this. you are spot on.
I take pleasure in knowing that she’ll never find a man that will make het happy thus depriving the rest of humanity of her fucked up offspring.
I think San Francisco, Manhattan metropolitan women have a lot in common compared to Brooklyn/Oakland/Bronx/East Bay try to stay away from – the rat race, or in this case, the dating rat race. The author looks at men more like resume than people. He’s quality because he has this this and that and did this this and that and doesn’t go into depth about personalities or what really makes these guys who she does consider as quality men “socially adept” as opposed to the socially inept. Brooklyn/Boroughs and Oakland/East Bay, we are just more “cool” than the ultra-fab city folk that seem to be out to devour one another than out to love one another. Yeah we have more crime, but the way people objectify each other in these high metro places should be deemed criminally insane.
It’s true the many negative things she attributed to the “Geek Class” in San Francisco when it comes to their insular self-important attitudes, but she also doesn’t want to admit that many of these guys are also responding to the women here. One is grooming the other and it looks like there’s arrogance on both gender sides. How many times have I come across a woman in SF who told me, “Oh you live in Oakland? I never go there! How could you not live in San Francisco?”
The thing about hetero mating is that we are breeders and constantly place pressure on ourselves and others based on the fact that we want children and really want the ideal mate, so natural selection drives us. I, for example, look at tall women differently than shorter women because I want my children to be tall because I’m tall. Therefore, I use that as a factor in dating versus if I were gay, it wouldn’t matter so much and would just be a matter of taste, not reproductive preference.
The author makes great points and I love how she does tie in economy into the tech boom San Francisco dating life in a way that it would take years for a social scientist to gather research and facts and publish an out-dated article. However, she also sounds like the kind of women in New York that I don’t date because they are caught up more in what I can do and provide to them rather than getting into who I am as a human being. These women literally take “Sex in the City”, “Girls” and “Gossip Girls” as not works of fiction but as lifestyle guides. Yuck! Give me someone real. Give me an East Bay girl over a San Francisco girl anytime!
I want to be more than just a breeding candidate, I want a loving deeply meaningful and fun relationship with a powerful cross-culturally aware, emotionally available, healthy and attractive woman with spiritual and humanistic values that align with my own who desires marriage and a family with a self-made man of color.
I can’t fully connect to her experiences because she isn’t the woman i would want and I’m not the man that she would want, and if she has a thing for straight heterosexual men who have the same tastes and hobbies as gay men but are as establish and secure as married men then she wants the proverbial “Mr. Big to her Carrie” and that guy rarely exists or knows that the woman he picks is good for just a ride but would rather stick with a woman who was there at the beginning who believed in him.
My advice: Don’t date men who would eventually trade you in for a newer model. Stop trying to date your father or who you want to be your father (notice how in Sex in the City, Carrie’s father is almost never mentioned – hence, Mr. Big). Date outside your comfort zone. Date first for growth and being challenged and then cultivate the security and comfort.
Your observations apply only to your small social bubble.
Your tone of self importance is laughable, if not ridiculous… if not totally geeky…
I have to say, as a male, this is one of the better articles I’ve read regarding dating in San Francisco and philosophy on life. Article brings up some great points as to our need, or desire, to be the best or to “make it.”
Made me think as to why I’m so eager to want to be financially free and what I want my success to look like.
As far as the dating part is concerned, I found a lot of what is said to be funny and accurate at the same time. Too many men are socially retarded and just don’t get women. And they think their wealth can buy people’s attention and women’s affection.
If men took the time to actually understand women and relationship dynamics, they may be better off. But as the author mentions in the article, it’s the actual desire to WANT to learn is what makes the difference.
On the flip side, women need to know, as well, that men are simple creatures and read into things too much with men.
Overall a good article, even worth re-reading.
Wow. You must not be hot.
Narcissism met the biological clock, and the clock won.
Honestly, the reason why I think San Francisco is that bad is something all together different entirely. It’s about emotionally dysfunctional men & women, both. When I read your section on Part III: [Absent] Alpha Males, you show the same emotional dysfunctionality I speak of.
For example, a friend tells you that the salad you’re eating probably has even more calories than what he’s eating. Recently I found out to my surprise that the Maui salad from Mixt Greens has 756 calories which is about 250 more than the avg lunch. As someone who’s been trimming down lately, that’s important. As someone who lost 80 lbs 7 years ago, and has kept it off say for plus/minus 10 lbs, I can tell you it really IS a calories game. If you eat more than you need consistently, you will gain. If you eat less than you need, you will lose.
Maybe your friend was trying to be a real friend & help you out. But you in your emotional dysfunctionality wanted him to say something to make you feel better, rather than the truth. Why didn’t you want to know the truth about that salad you were eating? What is wrong with you? Why can’t you take a difference of opinion? I wouldn’t want you as a friend at all. You would annoy the crap out of me.
That’s the issue with SF in a nutshell. People are more interested in saying what they think people want to hear, rather than the truth. You can never get to know who someone really is as everyone’s trying to be “nice”. It’s not “nice” to lie or to say the right thing. It’s selfish & cowardly. They’re afraid if they are actually honest, no one will like them & they won’t get what they want. Which is as I accurately described, selfish & cowardly… Not nice at all.
A lot of times I spend a lot of time getting to know someone only to find I’ve wasted my time because that person isn’t at all someone I really want to be around after all. I waste two years of time with a female or male friend of low quality thanks to them trying to be “nice”.
I really wish people would be who they are right up front. I have two jobs and am seriously busy. I would rather spend what little free time I have with quality honest people.
I wouldn’t want to be friends with you at all because you want people to say whatever you want to hear which is bull sh*t. Grow up. You never learn a damned thing by everyone agreeing with one another.
Life is about growing into a better person… Not about someone fitting into your neurotic ideas about how the world should be. I wish you would move. I think the city would be better off for it. I do sincerely mean that.
I want this city to be full of people interested in growth. Which is clearly not a description of you.
Hey, author, it is time for you to learn a little fact about the world. ASIAN GIRLS EXIST. They look better than you. They are probably smarter than you. And they like geeks.
In other words, you are a product that is priced far, far higher than a higher-quality alternative. Why any sane geek (or nerd) male would get with you when Asian girls exist simply defies explanation.
I swear.. based on what I read here it makes me never want to go to SF. I live in Sacramento CA for now but never drove to SF. Ballsac is a hellhole with enough traffic. If I had to endure SF with more queers and freaks per capita than here even, I’d go out of my mind and trust me, Sac is bad. Even the straight people here are, so I’d imagine in SF its much of the same only triple. California to me is just one big giant nutfarm. This comes from an East Coaster too.
Hi hear you. Never had so few dates than when in SF. Brilliant when there for work, no distractions or romantic feeling stuff;) But dead boring.
Wow. You’re an elitist cunt.
I’m lucky enough to be one of those guys with the elite university education and the high-flying tech job and the ambition and the wine tasting and so forth. I’d like to thank you for this post, because it speaks to a feeling I’ve had but couldn’t quite put my finger on until now: geeks are dicks.
As a young, liberal-arts-and-engineering-trained male who tries his honest best to be polite and cultured wherever he goes, I’d like to apologize for the remainder of my gender. If your essay were somehow unsound, the male contributors to your comments section has provided more than enough of evidence for your conclusion.
All the males who responded to this article by bashing the author, personally, as a female, have just proved why SF sucks for women. I’m ashamed that these comments were the best my fellow male compatriots of SF had to offer up as a response. Instead of disagreeing with her stance and validity of her argument, which is perfectly acceptable and encouraged as healthy debate, you all made no logical arguments (most made no attempt at debate at all); simply ending things by a series of put-downs meant to demean her as a female.
And, at any, rate, she was simply letting us know how she, as a female, feels living in this city. How could any of us say she is wrong? How would we know? Do we know how it feels to be a female living alone in the city? I know a hell of a lot of men that fit the molds she described. And I know a lot who don’t. This is an important article for people to read. Maybe if we listened to how people who are having very different life experiences than us are feeling then we could steadily start to minimize the frequency we encounter any type of person who fits into those less than savory descriptions. Sometimes we fit them and don’t even realize.
Also, males: please. Coming from another male: quit the bullshit. Stop acting like you’re being wrongfully called out on an equal playing field of life, here. Check your privilege. Women deal with a lot more shit, harassment, danger and disrespect from us than they give to us.
LOL! How dare men voice their opinion!? They should all just exist to please this author! Great comment hippie!
“personally, as a female” “…Coming from another male:” LOL! So you’re either a liar or an idiot. In either case you’ve just proven why you don’t deserve an intelligent debate. Nice try little girl.
Ahhh the city of frisco. Air saturated with the smell of crack, piss, and feces. Pretentiousness douschbaggery evreywhere i go its like haloween everyday here the way people dresS. I walked by the tenderloin police station and there was 2 guys smoking crack right out side and they dont care. On the corner of Turk and Taylor its an open drug market filled with crackheads hookers and heroine junkies. Now lets talk about housing, rents $1300 monthly gets you a small room with no kitchen and bathroom in a 100 year old building, house rents go for $6000 monthly! How did i END up here you ask? I was foolish enough to take a high paying job and let me tell you this place isn’t worth all the money in the world, after my lease runs out im OUT OF HERE. I hope i am alive to see the next big earthquake destroy this place….FUCK YOU FRISCO!
Great post however , I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this subject?
I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Kudos!
So everyone: Take a look at this:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/7512555.html
..writing style, same? Or not? Discuss.
It’s kinda sad that this gal ‘grew up’ and is out out of her ‘ideal dating range’… If you can’t compromise, then ‘powerful old men who can take care of you’ are all that’s left.
Johnny out.
An abstract for a blog post? Some self-reflection is needed.
I like your observations and want to collaborate on some work to address this great decline. The US is full of abandoned cities and dysfunctional societies – freedom, goes with the territory.
Not much for women in in San Francisco IMHO!