Call to Action
So….what do we do?
There’s no way to train for this one; there’s no application to fill out; there’s nowhere to go that’s going to fix this problem. So we have to change something about ourselves. And what is that something? San Francisco needs to rediscover passion.
In its politically correct, let’s-find-a-solution-to-every-problem way of going about things, San Francisco has managed to wring out the feeling and wit and occasional irrationality that make life interesting. We’ve settled for a life that’s perfectly pleasant: on a 100-point scale, we live at a constant 80%; we need to dare to risk a few really tough self-inflicted life experiences in order to find those that blow through that 80%, show how rich life can be, and make us the kind of people who are more than the sum of our achievements.
We’ve all got work to do.
Geeks: Stop thinking in code. Life decisions aren’t binary, and the most-efficient-route, while it may make a beautiful program, makes a boring life. Live in the gray a little, practice having conversations that aren’t black-and-white, and learn to enjoy unexpected outcomes.
Marrieds and Gays: Keep being perfect, you lucky bastards.
Alpha Males: Consider – really consider – whether the business idea you’re working on is what you most deeply care about, or if the thrill of “making it” is what’s driving you. And if it’s the latter, look at the ageing playboys and think whether that’s really the track you want to be on. And don’t say you can’t stop now. We’re in the most privileged city in the most privileged nation in the world. No one’s trapped.
Ageing Playboys: Find someone who challenges you: you’re too smart to be a cliché. And if you really want that younger woman, at least be honest about your reasons.
SROTS: As a friend very kindly put it, there is nothing sexy about a corporate fleece (no, not even the Arc Teryx ones, you spoiled Private Equity kids, you). And there is nothing fun about dating someone who cares for you because you check-all-the-boxes. So we need to do three things collectively:
- Drop the obsession with resume brands. Learn to enjoy that which probably-won’t-lead-anywhere, stop collecting points and start embracing experiences (pleasant and not). This means traveling to foreign countries for reasons other than getting your passport stamped and spending time doing things that you want to do, not things you want to say you did. Why? Because you’ll find what you actually care about, instead of wasting your life caring about the things someone said you should.
- Agree to stop judging others based on the points they’ve collected. If there’s any hope for us, we have to stop this rat race of obsessing over whether or not someone meets our standards.
- Stop listening to our parents’ advice on this one. Older, married women love to tell me that passion in a marriage dies and, when selecting a spouse, one ought to focus on the partnership, not the “indescribable attraction.” It’s not that I don’t buy this as a legitimate fact, but I think it’s misapplied. Namely: the women who insist on this met their spouses in their late teens and early twenties. It’s not that I think I’m smarter that they are now, but I think my passion, at 27, is better informed than theirs was at 21. I get that the passion I felt for Brad-from-Sigma-Chi sophomore year wouldn’t have sustained the different paths we’ve taken; but I’ve watched my passion since evolve to applications that are only, really, to guys who also pass the do-we-have-the-same-goals-and-values test. And, given there’s no one whose path is ever going to align perfectly with my own, I absolutely believe it’s that you-make-me-happy-for-no-reason affection which makes working through the differences worth it.
In other words, we have to start acting a bit more on our feelings and a bit less on our life plans. Because we’re not even thirty: what do we really know about what life has to offer? And how will we find out if we don’t let ourselves experience something other than what’s pre-defined? We have to open ourselves to really-messing-up, to really-getting-hurt, to maybe even wasting-a-little-time. And whether that’s in love or in something else, I think taking that risk is the one thing that can save us from waking up in ten years and wondering what it was all for. If nothing else, it’ll give us a unique box to check, and make San Francisco a little more interesting.
After living in San Fransciso for a while and elsewhere i got to say: Who are you? What kind of world do you live in?
From this article, i can take
1. You work in the tech sector. There are several other industries based in the city, but its obvious that this is the one your in.
2.Your a woman. This makes 1 more cogent.
3. Your fairly to extremely wealthy.
This is all is obvious: Here however are some valuative statements.
4. Despite 3, you probably place more value then you would care to admit on you partners wealth. As you say you want to be pampered and cared for. Again despite 3 which i suspect would make a lot of the argument agianst the quasi gold diggersm you desire.
5. You probably don’t get out of your social sector nearly as much as you think you do. San Fransco if you get far enough in it is fairly diverse place is a very echo chambery city. Do you go to the De Young much when there not doing geek scavenger hunts?
6. Becuse you get out asked out on dates a lot, and becuse you can do these arguments, you don’t have the immediate need to get out of your circle. However you find your circle stifling and non satisfying for the reasons you stated.
7. You stated you have gone on “hundred of dates with nice men”. I am going to suggest this is an honest exaggeration. I will however state a study i read that suggest the average american has between 3 to 7 sex partners in there life. This is by no means the same thing, and i would not describe you as a slut. A slut after all has a good time at it. A Serial dater which is an apt if not commonly used definition is probably in the very small minority of america.
8. Reading the article, i have to say: You sound quite a bit like the very Geek you describe. quite a bit. Not however completely on point. To explain:
Your prime defenition is they lack the skills necessary to completly function in social relationships. You can. However you obviously lack the skill to seal the deal, to form the companiate bonds you so obviously desire. Your a saleswoman who never quite sells the good.
now we get to my comments
-Never been to London, but i suspect that for your for very speicific-tech savy 30 year old wealthy girl who is more concerned about wealth then she cares to admit to herself, that its pretty much the same all over.
-Try dating out of your social circle. Date a Shoe repairman, or accountant or translator(note: i am none of these things).
- As been stated . I have known lots of very happy ugly married geeks who aren’t that wealthy.
Good luck on all of this
and Scott, from your comment I can tell that
1. You can’t spell; and
2. You have laughable grammar.
I’m from a similar “social circle” as this author and it’s not that easy to break out of. She writes from our perspective and I agree with every word wholeheartedly.
You ended your sentence with a preposition. Grammatically speaking, many people would argue that this is wrong, especially when that preposition is extraneous.
“I’m from a similar “social circle” as this author and it’s not that easy to break out of”
Your grammar is not great. You shouldn’t throw stones when you live in a glass house. Quick tip….relax. I’m married and I live in San Francisco, so I guess that makes me lucky and perfect according to the author.
Sorry Kathy – Scott has it right. A lot of us fit the profile that Scott described, but not all of us whine and moan about the lack of perfect guys.
It is really easy no matter where you live (I’ve been in SF, NYC and London) to say that dating is terrible and blame it on the guys. It isn’t the truth. We all get out what we put in. If the author is going around judging every guy she sees and picking apart all of his bad qualities, then of course she will be bitter and single and surrounded by sub par men.
Go out and meet people just to have interesting conversations and enjoy your surroundings. Lose the agenda.
Or don’t… because when the other ladies act like this, it makes it really easy for me to meet nice guys that are blown away by my open personality.
Yeah, don’t mind Kathy, like the author she’s just trying to compensate for her ugliness on both the inside and outside.
This comment is laughably naive and unnecessarily presumptive. I would guess that its author, in other times, would have been called a “rube.”
Nah…Scott nails it. And re: number 7, maybe someone *should* have more one-nighters!
I wouldn’t worry about suggesting what other ppl can/should do. You are who you are. Other people are who they are. People will willingly change their ways when they want to.
Yes, there are two kinds of people: the ones who blame everything on other people and the ones who take responsibility for what happens in their life. Regardless of the situation they are in, they want to or ultimately take the action to ‘do right’.
YES!
The suggestions are decent if *she* follows them herself. Like “we have to stop this rat race of obsessing over whether or not someone meets our standards”… ahem, is that not the whole point of this website? Explaining which faults make every potential date in SF unacceptable?
Here’s another option: instead of telling other people what they should do to better fit your social expectations, go hang out with people who aren’t geeks, alpha males, aging playboys, married or gay. A note of caution though: this might mean talking to people who aren’t as elitist as you.
As a somewhat geeky (as you define it) girl, my bay area experience has been totally different in I think an interesting and perhaps telling way. For instance in section 1: geeks, you say like it’s totally obvious:
“In other words, it’s not that these geeks are bad guys or hopelessly handicapped. It’s that they’re socially immature because they haven’t put any time into their social development. ”
But this is a fact I didn’t realize till after I graduated college! Similar to someone who thinks they’re bad at math so avoids math so becomes relatively worse at math, I thought people were just bad or good at socializing and it couldn’t change.
But then in the call to action, you say like it’s an epiphany: “Learn to enjoy that which probably-won’t-lead-anywhere, stop collecting points and start embracing experiences (pleasant and not). [etc]”
Something I probably could’ve told you in early high school. Perhaps it’s difficult for geeks and srots to sympathize with each other because our problems are obvious to the other.
For what it’s worth, I’ve found bay area guys to be the nicest guys i’ve ever met by a long long (long) stretch, but I moved here younger than you did it sounds like with very different expectations and almost immediately got into a relationship I am still in.
Just think it’s interesting to compare our perspectives as two women around the same age from different sides of the social spectrum.
This is nice.
So it’s one thing to write a manifesto and hope that people read it and change their behavior. It’s another to see if some of us can generate the new behavior around us by being infectiously alive.
Perhaps that’s the next essay.
I don’t get the point of this website. OK, you’re unhappy, I get it. You can do one of two things:
1) Change the world. Teach geeks to socialize better.
2) Change yourself. Learn to love geeks, warts and creepiness and all. Or just move to another city/country.
If you’re not willing or able to do either, why complain? Nobody else can do much about it either, so you just have to learn to live with it.
After hyper reading this, I TOTALY AGREE that SF and the bay area should be cut off from California and made into a sperate state. With a border, heavy fence with towers. Made it a theme park, like Walt disney or Easter Island.
after reading your thoughts as well as some of the comments here, i too have a few thoughts to share.
the city, as us suburbanites call it, is definitely a place of affluence. as i hear your accounts of sf, i am often reminded of my own personal experience in certain parts of the city where keeping up appearances seemed all too important. Yet, having grown up here has also afforded me many other types of experiences, most of which don’t match up with your characterizations.
granted, i am different from you. i went to a local state college, i got a job that i have loyally stayed at since that time, and somehow met my husband who i consider a good man with all the ambition, personality and traits you speak of. i enjoy the city, it’s one of my favorite places in the world, and i make it a point to visit frequently. thing is, i only see its affluence when i expose myself to it. my many experiences have been made up by friends who lived in sf and showed me the city through their eyes. they allowed me to see their personal neighborhoods, hole-in-the-wall restaurants and experience their street corners. they showed me the pride of the city, steeped in a history of pushing tough issues and demanding national change by making those strides in their own backyards. i’ve allowed myself to salsa dance in the mission, watch old movies in dolores park, enjoy a ball game at att park, have cocktails in the soma, wander the quaint restaurants in the sunset and never once did those experiences or the people i encountered feel the same. if anything, the draw of san francisco is that you can wander the different neighborhoods and never feel as though you saw the same thing.
i realize most of your commentary is about the people as opposed to the scenery, but i honestly believe we have deep diversity in the city and if you’re willing to spend time with people from all walks of life, you might understand the city in a new way. ambition can be awesome, but it does strip us of our ability to enjoy the now. after all, if we enjoyed what we had then what would be the purpose in wanting more?
Why are you asking people to change themselves if they like who they are? Who gave you the right to decide that SF needs to change? maybe you should just get your ass out of SF and leave it to people who actually WANT to be here? Or branch out? Its not that hard to get out of your circle. Trust me, I’ve done it in every city I’ve lived in. I have friends in all circles and I’m definitely a geek.
SF is the nicest, most passionate city I’ve lived in. Maybe its not the problem.
Who are you and will you be my friend?
I am a single, still relatively fertile woman in close proximity to SF, and I have experienced so much of this in varying degrees. What you say is so true, there’s a spirit of overachievement that’s difficult to get around, not just in dating, (though especially dating) but socializing in general. Just a few weeks ago, I met a guy who climbed and rode centennials and travels to exotic locations at least once a year and goes to burning man and works 50+ hours per week. He then asked me what there is to do in sleepy PA. “I read a book and went to
a BBQ last week.”
I felt like I had to keep up if I was gonna maintain this guys interest. (Ok, I admit, he was hot, and I wanted to maintain it.) But, I felt inadequate, and knew that it would not really go anywhere.
I guess what I mean to say that there’s a rigidity about relationships that I sense, and it’s counter intuitive. Character seems so much more important than achievement in relationships.
Anyway, great essay, and I wasn’t joking about that first line.
I think the “Geeks” need to keep doing what they’re doing in order for the American economy to keep innovating and functioning at high capacity. If you don’t want to date them, that’s fine. But we shouldn’t sacrifice the economic future of this country so you can find a date.
From reading your essays, I really think you need to get out of the Bay Area. I don’t think you’re going to find what you want out here.
The Geeks solve for 1% problems so it’s not like they’re making the world a better place by creating the next instagram for cats.
What does SROT stand for?
Oh, aha: Self-Reliant Overeducated Thirty Somethings
You’re joking, right? You’re unhappy with men, so it is the men who need to change? Not on your life; it is not a man’s job to make a woman happy. You, and they, each need to find your own happiness, and your real complaint seems to be that they’ve succeeded.
Maybe the geeks and the aging playboys are happy with who they are and what they do, and why should they change to accommodate you?
I think you are the geek you describe, in any major US city, you can find every type of people. You are most likely an upper middle class woman, who is having trouble finding an “alpha male” who suits you. You need a good shake, your probably not all that, I mean, I never met a hot female coder and my college buddy was a coder at a school known for having hot girls. until you post a pic showing otherwise, I’ll assume your either fat or ugly or don’t take care of your appearance
Wow, entitled western white woman who has been raised to believe she is the prize blames everyone but herself. Hold the 6pm news there’s a rarity. Such attractive characteristics of a person to form a long term relationship with.
Are you a sort of person that a guy would get in a relationship with? You seem to rationalise that all your ills are extraneous from yourself. What would a guy think that got that vibe off you when you met? If he got in a relationship with you would you blame and rationalise that every bad thing that happened to you was his fault? Why would a guy spend his time around that?
This assumes that you want a long-term relationship and that you know what you want. Maybe you want to sleep with many people but don’t want to lose face and rather talking about that you are deflecting (like pulling someone up on their spelling on an internet blog) so you don’t appear to be a slut.
You may have tertiary education but I’ve me ten year olds with greater self awareness than yourself.
OMFG. This lady is… This is like watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Bay Area version, and asking:
…what happened to all the Craigslist Dinner Whores?
THIS is what happened. They ‘grew up’ and now are fit only for ‘aging playboys…’ but now don’t want that.
Or for anyone younger to ‘pay for dinner’.
These comments are epically bad. I kind of want to save them to haul out for future laughs.
Author: welcome to the Bay Area. This revelation you are having? It’s why the rest of us are here.
After reading your entire essay and most of the comments it is clear that your issues lie with your own perspective on the world. I know many woman like yourself who have been raised with a fairy tale notion of what they would find in the perfect man when they got older. Likely watching one too many Disney movies about princesses and a barrage romantic comedies has given your unrealistic expectations out of what you are going to find out there in the dating world.
There are very many men that fit your narrow description of a being highly successful in the San Francisco Bay Area: went to good schools, worked at big brand name companies, left to work at or start their own start-ups. Yes, many of those men are going to be hardworking engineer types and many of those engineers are going to be socially awkward. (As a gay man I have dated some software engineers and a good lot of them are painfully awkward social introverts. But let’s not paint broad strokes here, there are plenty of well-adjusted and gregarious engineers out there as well.) I would think that you would have met these men via one of the many ivy networking events that take place throughout San Francisco and in Palo Alto. I’ve been to several of these events (despite the fact that I did not go to an Ivy League school) and let me tell you there is a constantly replenishing supply of young educated men.
Also, you want a guy who’s a hard working overachiever, but isn’t married to his job. Doesn’t that seem at odds. Those type A guys who do start-ups are the same type of guys in finance in New York. They work a ton to have that success, and that is the tradeoff. It might be wise to reconsider your values around success and work-life balance.
Have you considered that elite schools and social skills aren’t directly correlated? You many have better success with people who went to, ahem, top-tier schools. Perhaps you should seek out connection first, and pedigree second. There are smart, insightful, caring people who went to schools outside the Ivy League.
Have you considered academics, artists, journalists, or those working in medicine, law or philanthropy? You seem to want a mirrored reflection of yourself.
Have you asked yourself if is not San Francisco that needs to adjust, but maybe you who needs to explore the different vibe that can be found here? The typical east coast transplant takes a couple of years to adjust to the pace of life on the west coast. You must realize that no matter where you live there are tradeoffs. SF offers unparallelled beauty, mild weather, interesting job opportunities, and yes lots of engineers and academic folks. Perhaps you could try out meditation (a very San Francisco thing to do) and see if you can find a little more balance and perspective in your life).
Would you be happy just dating? When one in two marriages ends in divorce I think you should question whether a long term monogamous relationship is realistic or even natural. Your notion of finding the man who will sweep you off your feet and complete you may just be a pipe dream.
If you really want to believe in your dream of the perfect man than go for it, but remember that perfect is the enemy of good.
Yow, the thing I love about Bay Area residents is their passion (that’s appears to be why you call them geeks and nerds). Most folks here are really excited about something (or maybe several somethings). If you’re a reasonably bright and reasonably privileged person who is more interested in generic “success” than in any particular passion, no wonder you feel out of place!
I wasn’t particularly happy in LA or Atlanta, which are considerably less geeky areas. Maybe, by the same token, you’re just not gonna be happy in a geek town like San Francisco. You sound mobile as all get out, why bother to stick around a place that’s not a good match?