Part II: Marrieds & Gays
As I mentioned earlier, the statistics on San Francisco are alarmingly favorable for women-like-me. One of the few places in the world where wealth is still being generated, San Francisco also boasts outdoor activities that attract athleticism; entrepreneurial infrastructure that attracts ambition; west coast politics that attract open-mindedness. The problem? The demographic studies fail to capture the alarming difference between the single and coupled populations. All those attractive, athletic, successful men with good values who like wine tasting on weekends? They’re married, or gay.
It would be one thing if the male population in San Francisco was simply undesirable. Then you could forget the whole thing and start focusing on the benefits of spinsterdom. But what makes San Francisco even worse is that you’re constantly surrounded by men you’d like to date, in the types of relationships you’d like to have. San Francisco denies us the occasional self-indulgent escape of dismissing all men as scum.
Take my day today: I spent the morning with an investor, a 39-year-old, 6’5” former NCAA rower who did social policy research before returning to business school. He’s funny and laid back and has been married for ten years to a gorgeous woman with whom he has two young children and a golden retriever. I then went to lunch with a client, a college rugby player with a goofy grin and great laugh who’d earned three degrees and started two successful companies before the age of 30; we discussed finance reform and his triathalon training and plans for his wedding to his college girlfriend in October. I left the office early to go for a bike ride with a close friend, a 6’2” blond, blue-eyed, perfect bone structured former model, now an investment banking MD who volunteers on the weekends. He’s waiting for California to legalize gay marriage so he can propose to his boyfriend of five years.
So when people talk about all the things that make San Francisco a great city – the farmer’s markets and top-notch restaurants and hikes and trips to wine country – they fail to mention that the people taking advantage of those experiences are couples and large groups of women [enviously eyeing the couples]. The single men are all at home playing video games.
You do realize that it isn’t a coincidence that you’re attracted to unavailable men, right? That is the defining quality of narcissistic commitmentphobes. This psychiatrist lays it out in better detail than I could ever hope to:
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/02/dont_settle_for_the_man_you_wa.html
The Will and Grace analogy is pretty apt.
How do you know the gap between these men and you is not as wide as the one between you and the geeks?
carlier, see supra Postlude (noting your boring criticism, even if in less ugly language)
Failed philosopher, I read it before commenting. A throwaway line acknowledging her self-prioritization doesn’t mean much when it comes at the end of four lengthy sections about how much people suck because she can’t connect with them. The problem the postlude fails to acknowledge is that her inability to find meaningful relationships is a direct consequence of the same narcissism articulated here.
Devotion to the self at the expense of anything that would fetter it makes unavailable men very attractive, since they’re safe. It also means your relationships will be shallow, since caring about people makes you vulnerable to them, and narcissism rightly recognizes that as a threat.
After reading your essay here, I think the fundamental issue lies in YOURSELF. There is nothing wrong with these men. The problem is that you are insecure and want a perfect guy.
Before they were marrieds they were single. Guess you just got here too late. Like that makes any sense…
You can say the same thing about all the good women. Good women and men get snatched up quickly. Fairly obvious
The Marrieds and Gays section made me throw up all over my keyboard. Who are these sterling cadets of uber achievement- I am sure they have perfect lives and no debt:
a college rugby player with a goofy grin and great laugh who’d earned three degrees and started two successful companies before the age of 30; we discussed finance reform and his triathalon training and plans for his wedding to his college girlfriend in October.
The article is thought-provoking, but ultimately falls short. Extrapolating your personal dating misfortune as a city wide epidemic is at best an oversimplification, if not a projection of your own frustrations. Try to see yourself with an average guy. A common guy, modestly successful and interesting. If you can’t do that, I’d like to suggest spending time thinking about why you deserve something more or less than average.