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“And, despite all the ways we’re bred to be independent, there is something undeniably, deep-down-biologically appealing to finding someone who can and wants to spoil you”
…woman, read that line. Re-read it. Self-reflect.
All this negativity that you wear like a crown comes from you, not from “men of San Francisco”.
Completely agree. I think you’ve set your sights on a bullseye so particularly specific that you have talked yourself out of the men of San Francisco. Stop focusing on finding a millionaire, alpha male, socially suave, model with a perfect bone structure and actually go meet someone before writing them off with your stereotypes.
But that’s exactly what she’s looking for: she’s just ranting that she hasn’t found Mr. Perfect yet and that her biological clock is slowly but surely ticking away…
NO HONEY BADGER, you must be a geek girl, SAN FRANCISCO men suck, they are unattractive and have low social skills—– this paper hit it right on the nail!!
…you obviously haven’t dated men in san francisco, honey badger. she’s right on. the negativity comes from dealing with situation after situation of disappointment and there are MANY women in this city who feel the same. ageing playboys are also known as “peter pans” and there are a lot of them here in san francisco. it’s a fact.
i find a lot of comments by men on this site to be derogatory towards women, and defensive, which is interesting. maybe they realize there is truth in this article and don’t like what they’ve read?
I’m a silicon valley engineer. Been doing this for a long while actually and I get a nice laugh reading this! I’m not like this (pretty sure, haha). And I feel comfortable knowing this because some of it I found shocking quite frankly!
It IS shocking! She’s a decent writer and obvs the subject matter and title entice. I’ve got stories out the ying-yang dating in this city for almost 20 years. There is NO WAY she is not making up at least 50% of this. Somebody is trolling for a book deal or a ‘Girls’ set in SF. Entertaining? Sure. Real? No effen way.
It’s funny how men have spent years, wait, centuries evaluating and judging women; creating stereotype upon stereotype of the kind of woman they want to sleep with or date. And here is a woman with good writing skills and a keen eye for social norms writing some pretty damn funny stuff about men, and they’re imploding with outrage. No one questions the obvious possibility that “He’s Just not That Into You.” And maybe, Honey Badger, you’re right that some of this negativity and meekness comes from women’s own heads (just as complacent positivity might come naturally to men). But women — like (some) men — ought to have standards. They ought to have the strength to decide someone isn’t good enough for them. And men ought to consider that it’s perfectly natural that it’s actually “she” who is “just not that into you.”
I have no problem when women set standards for who they want to date/marry. However, just like for men, if those standards are based upon narcissistic and materialistic foundations, this person is just rotten to the core.
Whoever wrote this needs to move back to N.Y. Or let, even better, let me provide a spot-on suggestion: Paris, France. Her rants are disturbingly similar to those of your typical spoiled French girl who lives in the Auteuil-Neuilly-Passy area (16th arrondissement). How do I know? Because I had the “pleasure” to be born and raised in that area.
Alright, this was a fun read but I’m done.
Good luck in your endeavors, stranger.
I want to steal a bottle of booze with you and climb a rooftop in my city, get drunk, and screw. Throw caution to the wind fair miss; just don’t fall in love with me… I’m bad news.
“Has all this, all this hard work and focus and education and patience….has it all just been to prepare me to be a suitable wife to an accomplished older man?”
If you are lucky. If he has any common sense he will find a younger, nicer, prettier girl to be his companion instead of dealing with your bitchy ass. Preferably from the foreign country where he’s settling.
I’m buying some Purina stock; I predict a lot of cat ladies in the America’s future.
Your problem is you, you find a way to write off any man who would potentially have an interest in you. Have you ever thought of not dating a rich man, why not date a normal guy?
I agree women ought to have standards, but saying I want to date a good looking, rich young man, with time for me to work 40 hours a week, o and works out. Is like saying I want to date supermodel, whose rich, with time for me, under 25, gives amazing sex and 4 blowjobs a day never gets tired, takes care of me and pays my bills. Its not realistic because any woman of that calibre, which is exceedingly rare, would probably not be interested in a slightly above average guy. They’d be looking for the same guy you describe, and she’d get him over you.
I guess your real problem is
1) your insecurities seep into all areas of your romantic life. A man compliments you with a good romantic compliment. And you find a way to spin it into some he must be a misogynistic old fart, trying to turn me into his house slave.
2) Your unrealistic expecatation, when your handsome 30 y/o rich model husband marries you, at some point he is going to want you to make kids for him.and have to expectations of the old man
3) Why don’t you just become lesbian, since you have such a problem with the entire male race?
This is an interesting essay that makes me think, particularly when I read the dialogue you quoted: “Let’s move to Tuscany.” / “Haha you know I can’t do that. Where would I work? …” etc.
Call me naive, but it seemed like a genuine, romantic proposal coming from a creative, entrepreneurial mind, said to a girl with some controlling tendencies. “Where would I work? What would I do?” … Your reactions come off as fear the unknown, fear of not knowing the immediate end-point to any endeavor, which is the opposite of an entrepreneur.
It seems like it was, and still is, a threatening conversation to you, so you pick on the last phrase to criticize in your essay, “Who does he think I am, who do I think I am, to actually swallow this line?” Sure, it could be viewed as just-another-corny-line-from-a-cougar; it could also be viewed as a sweetly intentioned compliment to the girl he likes. (Or perhaps you just didn’t feel as strongly about him as he did you?) But it’s not the point I think.
I’m not saying you should have leapt at the offer — perhaps you really love your company… But nor did, “I love my job, we’re doing awesome stuff I’m so excited about,” come up here. Instead it appeared as though you were simply blocking off all avenues of creative, flexible options to see a future with this guy. And he probably saw your fear of this unknown end-point that he was proposing, and so he did two gentlemanly things: He wanted to wrap up the discussion that inspired such fear, and did so with something that he thought would make you feel good. The argument of whether a late-twenties year old should “buy” this line isn’t the point either then.
I might be wrong, but thought it worth pointing out this possibility. Honestly, I’m guilty of the same behavior (of balking at the unknown)… I’m working on it. (I’m in your demographic too: well-educated, white, female, attractive. I’m also married to an entrepreneur.)
Good writing, I’d look forward to reading more.
PS: Unless I read you wrong, and Paris guy is the same as Tuscany guy… and if so — Girl, how could you go to a 6-course dinner with a guy and think it was to talk about your job? Otherwise, ignore this postscript. :)
The bay area, it’s not really a place for a person who believes in the rights, freedom, and beauty of the common man.
I love your bravery and courage for speaking so openly and honestly about the veil that covers the bay area; a veil that by all accounts that is hailed as the most amazing, eclectic, place in the world to live! An extraordinary mix of people who are ALL the the very forefront of human existence in every way, technology, healthcare, spirituality, education, research. Furthermore on top of all of that (as if that is not enough!) every person there possess supernatural social charm, social skills, with the most incredible social circles mankind has ever seen. There has been nothing like it since the rise of the ancient Greek civilization. It sounds glorious to anybody.
The fact is, lift that veil and you will so clearly find underneath the cover an entire society that is by all accounts unethical, immoral, shallow, backstabbing, and heartless. Truly genuine and authentic people are few and far between there if any.
I left after ten years of working in a high paying job for so many reasons mainly because it was difficult to find a decent honest down to earth authentic soul among the pickings out there. Furthermore changed my career to work in a helping counseling profession and God forbid I live in the bay area (taking a salary cut from $200,000 a year to about 50k, 65K if I am lucky when my degree is complete) and associate myself with work that is among the masses. Work for the sole purpose to reach out to others in need and who suffer to help, heal and transform their pain and suffering and agony, to help alleviate the pain and lift the crosses some must bear. God forbid I work in the bay area and so much as speak of making a life change such as that; they will call ME unethical for taking a pay cut and not capitalizing on helping others and making millions off it.
Yea… well not to mention to make a career move like that, and live there I would end up maybe out in half moon bay or the Santa Cruz mountains if I am lucky, a good hour from any city just to be able to pay rent on a space as nice and big, warm and cozy as anybody’s garage to call home.
The bay area; it is not a friendly place. And the people there work everyday to make it what it is, create it into what it is, that makes it that way and they are VERY proud of that. I did not want to be part of that anymore. I stayed long enough to search for that pot of gold at the end of the bay bridge that I heard so much about that existed only there in the bay area; and that pot of gold is as illusive as the one that waits at the end of the rainbow. Like I said, it’s not really a place for a person who believes in the rights, freedom, and beauty of the common man.
I think you make some very interesting points. This city has been overrun in the past half a decade by a large amount of people like this.
I have a few things to say:
1. Many of your gripes center around the influx of wealth and prosperity altering the dynamics of the city’s social scene. You speak of entrepreneurs, stock (options) and a lot of PE/VC – What I don’t think you have correctly appraised is that the cracks are already beginning to show in these artifices. For example – asserting that Facebook has minted new millionaires is true to some extent – except much of that wealth is on paper and is restricted (for a large portion of the “average” employees) – if you look at the business fundamentals of the company (and many others like it) a rational investor will see that many of these companies are, or are at least at the risk of, being significantly overvalued. While it will take time to expose this – as it always does in the public markets – it will happen. It’s starting to happen with Groupon and Zynga. These companies are worth a fraction of what they appear to be – and as a result many people are going to experience some very unfortunate realities when they have to keep paying their mortgage on homes they over paid for.
Don’t get me started about how VC’s are beginning to collapse in upon themselves – they backing vastly inferior and contrived ideas at this point under a lot of mistaken assumptions. Much of the VC activity of the past several years has amounted to little more than welfare for the wealthy.
While it is easy for many women to be taken in by the allure of an “alpha” who has raised a large amount of funding and is assuredly on his way to becoming extremely wealthy – this is model is rapidly becoming extinct in real terms – except expectations from women have remained unrealistically high. Much of the social and mobile technological infrastructure has been built out and is, in my estimation, beginning to enter into a phase of consolidation. With that will come elimination.
I am not sure how much of a student of past market bubbles you are, except I will say that we are beginning to see the very same problems emerge. I think the next time you go on a date a very important question to ask will be “do you have stock or options?” Then follow it up with “how vested are your options.” While you are at it, you might just want to ask how much stock the CEO has sold and when the lockup period expires for regular employees.
2. As someone born in San Francisco, whose family has lived in this city for over 100 years, I will be very honest when I say that many locals (men and women) find the influx of “extended-stay tourists” vexing and unwelcome. We will continue to take your money through our businesses and the ludicrous rent you pay to use our commercial and residential property, but we will never truly accept most of you.
Though we cannot fault you for wanting a slice of this life, it’s something that will be very difficult for you to achieve, culturally or socially. A large amount of your points about the social scene are “tourist on tourist” gripes. The reason it is likely difficult for you to cultivate relationships that are meaningful is because of the fact that many of the people coming here are transients.
This is a small city, and for us, our social networks begin in grade school and last a lifetime – while we will socialize with and date the visitors – locals have both different standards and different goals. Fifty years ago this city was a city of heavy industry, working people and was a union town – for many of us and our parents, we became wealthy by fiat when the tech industry developed and started bidding up the real estate. When I go on dates with local girls, it’s almost an implicit fact that we both will inherit real estate and have strong family ties. Since we both have no urge to try to check “life plan” boxes and complete our last chapter of “finishing school” through a useless degree or a myriad of startup positions – we can actually focus on enjoying and getting to know each other.
People like you are the reason that the Marina has gone down hill in the past two decades. I remember growing up there not too long ago when it was a tight knit Irish and Italian neighborhood. Kids used to run around and play even at night, everyone knew each other – now when they go down Chestnut at night they see a street lined with bars and drunken packs of chain smoking aging women stumbling down the streets on a Tuesday – loudly complaining about the dearth of men in San Francisco no less!
It’s interesting that you speak so enviously about how happy Gays are. In contrast to many who are “just visiting” – locals accept Gays from anywhere. They have come here for generations to flee the persecution they have experienced. In addition, a huge majority are nice people who are just happy to be here and be themselves. Their culture is also a big part of this city and this city is a big part of their culture.
I am assuming that you were not here during the period in this city’s history during the mid eighties and late nineties (before modern treatments) when AIDS was taking our friends and family members from us at an alarming rate. In the face so much suffering and stigma, a level of understanding and compassion arose in that community – people gave a damn about each other – they didn’t care about hopping to the next higher status prospect that meshes with their own refined internal checklist – they just wanted to see their friends or partners thriving and healthy enough to go to the park and sit in the sun.
When you have a culture focused on acceptance and compassion – amazing people are going follow. I know it might be a little shocking to contemplate the fact, but the more you raise your standards the more miserable you are going to be.
I think you need to adjust your expectations a little bit and focus on what makes people happy. The key to happiness in life is low expectations. Make some money, find someone you can spend time with and chill out. Life out here is an open system, there is no “top” you can claw your way to. Stop going to vapid trendy bars and clubs – you aren’t going to meet quality men that way. Stay away from the people that have self-selected themselves into this vapid social circle, or if that won’t work – focus on the “Nerds” and not the “Geeks.”
I just need to repost Cityborn’s comment
“I will be very honest when I say that many locals (men and women) find the influx of “extended-stay tourists” vexing and unwelcome. We will continue to take your money through our businesses and the ludicrous rent you pay to use our commercial and residential property, but we will never truly accept most of you.
Though we cannot fault you for wanting a slice of this life, it’s something that will be very difficult for you to achieve, culturally or socially. A large amount of your points about the social scene are “tourist on tourist” gripes. The reason it is likely difficult for you to cultivate relationships that are meaningful is because of the fact that many of the people coming here are transients.”
Because it is such a casually presented typical and prevalent elitist mindset of the SF bay area aborigines. A mindset that no socially or culturally evolved human being nurtures no matter where they call home.
Hello, sane SF based woman here. I have been to the Marina maybe 5 times, same with North Beach. I have experienced all of this in the Mission, Sunset, Richmond, SOMA, Financial District, Panhandle, Haight, so as much as you want to dismiss this writer as gold digging, she’s onto something that IS city-wide. It’s not limited to a zip code or neighborhood. If I might take a step back and be a bit more meta with all of it I will tell you that I see this exact behavior in many large urban cities, mostly in the USA. London UK and Montreal CA being the two outlying cities with this same issue and to a lesser extent Tokyo, JP.
In general we are loosing our will to interact with humans face to face. We are substituting social networking with actual human to human networking. We substitute a 2 line tweet instead of a phone call. We don’t go out for people’s Birthdays we send them a text. This is bad folks. Help me out here combat the human connection apathy! We believe money and stuff makes us happy. It does not, it’s people.
Go read and bunch of stuff about what people said on their deathbeds. No man said “I wish I worked more” or “I wish I made more money” or “I wish my wife was hotter or younger” they all say “I wish I spent more time doing what I loved. I wish I spent more time with my loved ones.” So if you’re putting off commitments you are putting off real happiness. Commitments also come in the form of deep and lasting friendships. Drop the 80hr a week jobs they aren’t helping you find happiness.
Women seem to get the gist but not how to get there. They know the interpersonal stuff is the cat’s meow but feel helpless to attract the men. Well ladies we cannot. Terrible but true. So you just have to keep going out there again and again and you’re going to have to deal with a butt-ton of rejection, welcome to life as a guy up until about 15 years ago. You will hit on guys and get no where. You will date for months and have the guy ditch you for the first blonde 20 something that strikes his fancy. It simply is that the people you are meeting have no idea how to make themselves happy and they are trying everything in rapid fire succession because that works in other fields of life. It does not work in dating or relationships.
Truth be told only YOU and self confidence will make you feel cooler, younger, etc. Only YOU can shape yourself. Only YOU can make yourself happy. Don’t forget that people you choose to surround yourself with should challenge you to be a better more well rounded person. If you aren’t debating, having differing opinions, getting emotionally involved in a conversation you aren’t really having a conversation. In a big city everyone is so paranoid about seeming “fun” or “exotic” or whatever adjective seems romantic to them that they never say no it’s always a noncommittal answer. They never seem to put a firm foot down about anything. If you are different you are ostracized. Hmm sounds a lot like High School doesn’t it?! Well same rules apply. Simply say NO when you mean it, don’t overcommit. do just one or two things well not hundreds of things half-assed. Make 2 really tight friends you see every week not 200 you see every minute on Facebook- those aren’t friends those are yes-men and yes-women. You need stronger personalities around you and you need to go out into the world and actively find them.
In all larger metropolitan areas there are TOO many choices. You have 100 kinds of people, restaurants, modes of transportation, entertainment options etc. People stop making firm decisions on everything, including people, because of this inundation of choice. This goes for careers, attention spans, dating. There is a pervasive idea that you are “missing out” if you commit to anything and exclude other things. Everyones parents tell they “You can do anything” when in fact they should be saying “Sure you can do anything, but if you don’t pick one thing at a time and master it- know it in and out- you will be a jack of all trades yet a master of none.”
To this inundation of man’s choices resulting in indecision I respond: Indecision is it’s own decision. Boldness, bravery, and courage IS choosing. Actually trying to truly connect with a person. Actually taking the chance on a new career that could make you happier but make less money is worth a shot. My gosh men these things are so hard- right! I can see your struggle. To fight to commit to one when you have 101 options in women. To say NO to a job that pays triple digits but is boring as dirt versus being happier barely scraping playing guitar but having to live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 4 people. Sheesh life is tough, choices are tough. It feels easier to go with the flow. Problem is in this world if you do not make things happen not much will happen. Gone are the days when you walked out with a college degree and 2 months later you had a job, a pension, a garage and a vintage car in the driveway unless you have some direction, plan, course of action. Long story short– too late– too much choice breeds indications and then life passes you by because instead of steering the ship you are just being drug along in the wake of indecision.
In SF these attitudes are very pervasive. Interestingly when I point this out it’s like “Oh my gosh I never noticed!” Few people actually crave social interaction and those that do always seem to go at it with: What’s in it for me? Who can I sleep with here? Who will make me feel cooler or younger or better than I am? It’s not SF alone, NY, Miami, Los Angeles, Montreal Canada, London GB, I see that same pattern there as well. Career driven big cities attract people trying to make their mark in some way, be heard, be noticed, be rewarded monetarily or with fame. Folks are NOT moving to NY, LA, SF, London, Buenos Aires etc for love. They are moving there for job opportunities, for the ‘high life’ fun parties, etc etc. Ladies, we often forget this. The men in our city of choice has dating and relationships at such a low priority it’s a wonder anyone gets married at all.
Quick aside I have had more men in SF tell me straight up, and I quote, “I would never date you, you’re obviously smart and I hate smart women” or “I never choose girlfriends who earn more $ than I do” or the classic “I don’t want a partner, I just want someone easy.” When I hit 30 I got the incredibly insensitive “What’s wrong with you? Something must be wrong with you if you’ve never been married by now” and “Oh even though I’m 40 I look like I’m 20 so I only date 20 year olds, they are more fun anyway.” People here are more insensitive and socially awkward then other cities. They are more offensive and abrasive. I attribute it to too much choice, too much technology, and not enough humanity. It’s like everyone in SF is talking with their mouth like they type with their thumbs on a phone- brief, cursory, dismissive, full of malice rather than joy. Yup I see it and hear it everyday all around me.
My dearest lady, you are limiting your pool, your worldview, and your experiences by looking only in SF. I would love to tell you more effort in the hunt will give you results, however I have found it does not. For truly best effect move to a smaller city, town, or suburb. If you must be near the Bay Area try San Jose, Marin, Oakland. Frankly the smaller the better. Get super active in your community, get to know your neighbors, throw BBQs, picnics, teach classes. All that old timey stuff works. The new fangled stuff just doesn’t work. You are trying to take a GO GO GO life attitude and apply it to dating and I can tell you from making that same mistake dating is a different a different beast. Think about it this way, you are a lovely flower just growing and shining and doing you flower thing and eventually a bee might come over there and mingle and choose to actually stay a while, you might have 100 bees, but if you are the best flower you can be and no bees visit your petals that’s OK too. Your very presence enhanced the world. You can not force love. You cannot make love happen. You can only work on yourself, and continue to do so. You can find a place where there are more bees! By that I mean more men who truly actively want to settle down. Whew honey I can tell you SF ain’t that place! Especially for what you are looking for which is a attractive, confident, outgoing man. That is a very specific target and honestly not a ton of men in SF hit that target those men are typically also flakey, noncommittal, self absorbed, career obsessed. It’s like umm pick any 2, you can have attractive and career obsessed, or confident and noncommittal or outgoing and self absorbed. I would strongly recommend you re-locate before you hit about 28 because apparently women expire at age 30. I wish you all the best of luck I truly do. In my young 20s I thought the same and oh how I learned hehe.
Both men and women please try and follow this advice for maximum effect:
– NEVER go into a bar looking for a date, or anything but a drink you pay for yourself. Go with friends if you must, do not met anyone there. Alcohol is liquid lying potion and men will say darn near anything to seal the deal for one night. Ladies just cannot be kind to your advances if they are not interested while under the influence of alcohol. Both men and women will feel used, you will become cold and jaded, you will not succeed in finding a relationship this way.
– Men less masterbation. Women more masterbation. I’m serious! Men rely on it too heavily, women don’t learn to please themselves and therefore cannot help a man learn to please them. Gotta know your own buttons before you ask someone to push them. Learn to masterbate WITHOUT PORN. Everyone sex, relationships, love is all better without porn in the mix. I’m adamant about that. Without the easy outlet your libido will grow and force you out to meet people, it will help you overcome shyness, it will force you to try real new things with real new people ;) You will have to get to know your body. If you’re literally draining away your life essence you are not going to be motivated to seek real human companionship. Learn to touch yourself gently to turn yourself on, not a death grip guys it’s your body not a deadly weapon. I’ve met so many guys who are addicted to porn, it ruins sex and relationships, filling your head with fantasies, and in all honestly you’ll stop being able to feel as much in the real situations. Telling story, even porn stars forbid their own children from watching it, so if the folks that make the stuff realize it’s toxic to happiness… enough said.
– Being reasonable towards what you NEED not what you WANT will help you find a partner faster and with more success. Here’s my method write down alllllll your desires. Now break them down into Physical attributes, Mental attributes, and Values/Moral attributes. Pick just ONE from each column, so you have one physical, one mental and one values trait. Now when you find a person that hits all three BAM done you’ve found your match. It’s much easier this way to find a compatible partner. Remember too much choice is a killer. Know what really matters distill it down into this tiny wee list and wa-la you have just figured out what you really NEED not the million things you want that don’t really matter.
– Quit talking about what you’re going to do. Talk only about what you’ve done. Spend more time listening then talking and remember actions speak far louder than words.
Let us remember our roles:
– Men are not sperm banks with ATM cards. Women, earn your own way, never think of a man as a bank. Men do not owe you anything. Your looks will fade, it’s going to happen, so learn to be caring, nurturing, those are the qualities men will stick around for. Men should never tear you down, if a man is tearing you down he’s really just saying “I suck, and you are making me realize I suck, and I suck so hard that I can only pull myself up by dragging you down.” He’s a toolbox, move on. Any man who isn’t trying, persisting, and pursuing you is just not interested. He’s not calling you, making time with you, bringing you out with his friends and family he is just not into you. That’s OK just move on along, don’t let him get into your panties or under your skin. Never pressure a man to have kids, you want kids have them on your own, you don’t need a man to do that anymore. Pressuring men to have kids when they don’t want them is morally reprehensible.
– Women are not wombs with a view, Marylyn Monroe bodies with no brains. Women think, have an opinion, work (how else can they afford being in a city?!). They will challenge you on all fronts to be a better man and a better person and that’s what makes them awesome. It’s GOOD to be challenged! That’s how we grow. Your ego might take a hit- she might very well be better than you at something. Deal with it, love her for it not in spite of it. If you ‘fake nest’ with a women you will destroy her for all other men. Don’t lead her on, be honest with yourself and her each step of the way even if it’s telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. Never use a women for sex, every woman is someone’s sister, daughter, best friend. Treat her with respect even if she has not yet learned to respect herself- be the bigger person. Be….well… a man.
Straight ladies specific to you:
– Don’t give away the goodies, meaning sex, before like date 10. Guys will never respect you otherwise. I’m deadly serious. Is it hard?! HELLS YES! Frankly I have a higher sex drive then any man I’ve ever met or dated, so if I can do this you can too. It really makes a difference in your love life. Also do a fabulous dance around the topic if a man ever asks you “how many partners have you had” in the words of Admiral Akbar “It’s a trap!” There’s absolutely no right answer and you will be punished regardless (too few and he’ll either wonder what’s wrong with you or worry about you feeling very serious off the bat, it being one of your first real experiences with a man. Too many and he’ll feel challenged in the bedroom- oh gosh what if I cannot please her, what if I’m no good compared to those other men).
– Ladies, sorry to say, balls in your court for kids. I recommend deciding on your own if you want kids by 23 and move to a smaller city, rural area, suburbs of a large city and put a lot of time and effort into social events, scale back on work to just 40hrs or less a week. Be saving money constantly just in-case you end up needing to be a single mom to make motherhood happen. It’s nearly impossible to meet a man and get married in a big metropolitan city- I mean you can look at the marriage statistics for any of the big cities I’m mentioning they are much lower then rural or suburban areas. So if you want a family and kids get out of the city!!!!! If by 30 you haven’t met a man I strongly urge you to consider artificial insemination, co-parenting, sperm donors etc. I’m serious. Your odds basically crash through the floor in your 30s and it’s far better to have a healthy happy child when you’re biologically capable then to wait and wait and become impatient with a serious case of Babyitis (it’s the disease where women become all gushy and oogy over babies, and baby clothes). You are far better off being a single mom then running around in a panic looking for a mate because your biological clock alarm is ringing like crazy. Stop pressuring men into having children if they don’t want them. Find unconditional love in a pet. Find ongoing companionship with your man. Find kids at a sperm bank or an adoption agency if you need them and you don’t have a totally gung-ho father figure.
– You need to learn to be alone and be happy with that. If you are not happy being single and alone without human companionship you can get there. Try traveling on your own for at least a month, specifically if you don’t speak the language, or moving to a city where you don’t know anyone. Besides that you can practice by finding a quiet alone time spot and working on being alone with no phone, no internet, no people, for extended periods of time. Guys seem to be much better out of the box on their own. Ladies we have to work on it.
– Put time and I mean serious time into your social life. Go outside your box at least once a week. Talk to men, approach them, flirt, practice, practice, practice. Make sure you aren’t working more than 40hrs a week if you want to be in a relationship you need time to be available to meet folks. You want a husband and a kid, well social life becomes a part time job so put in the time to put yourself out there. 10 hours bare minimum every week. Remember forget the bars and clubs waste of time.
– You’ve got an expiration date, no one told you that?! Yeah I know I discovered this one the hard way. Once you hit 30 you’ll be treated like The Crypt Keeper all over this darn country of USA. Either learn to wear that ‘problem’ like a shield and don’t compromise or become timid under the insane pressure and rudeness you will face. Avoid Japan, avoid all American cities, they are youth obsessed. Weirdly ‘man’ will not care, ‘men’ will care. In other words his friends will care for him and endlessly belittle him about you being ‘old’ it’s not worth fighting that. You cannot convince ‘men’ of your amazingness over 30, you can convince a ‘man’ but again if he’s under the influence of American or Japan pop culture he won’t be able to hear you through the defining din of the youth craze. Also, sad but true I have never seen a ‘man’ stand up to his ‘men’ about his life choices, why don’t know but it’s true. I would like to see men challenge each other more on this front. If you’re really being beaten down about your age consider moving to Europe. I haven’t been to a European country yet where anyone batted an eyelash about being in your 30s and still single.
– Under 30, online dating is a good option. Over 30 online dating will not work well for you. Why? Men treat online dating like an ideal woman checklist, over 30 is not on the checklist. Dating is not over! Just online dating, they will simply block you or rule you out on age alone. Unfair- YES! True- YES!
– Top 3 questions to ask any potential man in his 30s+ you want to date “what’s the longest you’ve lived with a woman?” “Have you said I love you to a woman before?” “Where do you want to be in life in 5 years?” Basically if he hasn’t lived with a women or said I love you to a women and he’s over 30 run like hell. He’s a commitment phobe and a Peter Pan. There are loads of Peter Pans so don’t be disheartened if you find 9 out of 10 men don’t hit the mark. You want a really great deal on a used boyfriend, not a brand new in box boyfriend. Trust me on this one! How can I generalize this? Well think about ladies when was the first time you were hopelessly in love for me it was high school I was 15. OK so let’s say your guy is a late bloomer…uh 15 years late?! Yeah, if he’s taking his sweet arse time love is not a priority for him, move along. Generally men in their 20s are just not ready to think about marriage, they just aren’t there yet. 30 yup it’s time if he’s in his 30s and still not thinking of anything serious get out of there! A man who isn’t thinking at least 5 years ahead is certainly not thinking of a long term relationship so better to cut your loses and head on out to greener pastures.
– You are NOT THE EXCEPTION YOU ARE THE RULE. One of the finest statements I ever heard about dating. I know your parents told you, “you’re special” and in your own life you might be awesome. But when it comes to dating, how that man has treated all his other girlfriends is how he’s going to treat you. You cannot, will not, be able to change a man. A man will not ‘grow up’ for you, he will not keep promises that he’s only making to you (he will only keep promises he’s dedicated to on his own). So don’t fall for any fancy hand jive about how he’ll do this or that only for you. Wait for the actions, politely nod and smile at words.
– ASK about STDs, potential for kids, and his 5 year plan within the first month of dating. Hasn’t been tested for STDs or is unwilling to, doesn’t know about kids, doesn’t have a 5 year plan– run away my loves! He’s not ready for a future anything with anyone. He’s not even doing step 1 of the 12 steps of love program ;) By the way that’s “figure out a life plan that can make you happy and hop to it.”
– Ladies, men don’t care what you do for a living, they just don’t. Is it infuriating? Yes! But it’s the truth. NEVER brag about career accomplishments to a man you are dating, save that for your family and friends. Don’t tell him about what awesome things you are doing at work, or your salary, essentially just keep it as on the down-low as you can. Men have tiny tiny egos when it comes to careers. Why? Frankly, it’s probably due to women viewing men as walking bank accounts. We as women put too much emphasis on men’s careers, their salaries, what they can buy for you, what life they will give you. FOOEY ON THAT! You make your own life, buy your own damn stuff and support your own darn dreams. Great thing about doing it that way, no one can take it away from you ever, and you will learn hard work dedication, all the things you poo-poo about men on, you’ll learn how hard it is by doing it.
– Date your best male friend. He’s probably your best chance at true happiness. Is it like starting on date 30? Yes, but that’s excellent. Ready for it….romance = respect. Plain and simple respecting someone is deeply loving them.
– Compatibility is king, looks will fade. Go for a man you can talk to and laugh with, not a man you can stare at dreamily.
– Be 100% open to dating men of other cultures, races, height, weight. Get outside your comfort zone. When you think “all the good men are taken” you are overlooking the sea of guys who make under 30k a year, balding men, shorter than you men, overweight guys etc. What you should be whining is “all the men who look like they’d be on the cover of GQ are taken.” Yes, they probably are, they are married to the Barbies of the world. Quick helpful hint, they are miserable underneath because they never figured out how to make themselves happy. So the facade you see of Barbie and Ken is just skin deep, you’re not missing out.
– Smaller cities, suburbs, small towns these are the places to have better odds of find a man. So spend your weekends volunteering in these places. Want proof look at any census info, the big cities have far smaller marriage rates then surrounding areas.
– Go where the men go: sporting events, outdoor activities, sports clubs, the gym, lectures, heck talk em’ up at the grocery store. Avoid bars and booty clubs like the plague.
– Guys are complete pansies when it comes to female anger. Even the brightest just don’t know how to deal. The more angry and frustrated you are the more men will withdraw from you. All men age 2 could be 200. I think it’s that thing little dudes discover where they can tune out their irate moms, just becomes ingrained. If you need a man to do something go at it like an animal trainer and get to know your manimal well to understand what motivates him and motivate him to adjust his behavior. Remember you cannot change the man you can adjust behavior.
– Guys can never understand how absolutely demoralizing it is to be an older single woman. Men are considered older, wiser, more awesome. Playboy, bachelor, interesting life, etc. As a lady you get words like “cat lady” and spinster, old maid, and “too picky.” So you won’t get any sympathy from the Guy Camp on this. Better to dish with your gal pals about this stuff.
– My lovely sisters who are blossoming between 15 and 28 please do not undervalue yourself by dating a man more than 10 years older. I spend much time consoling women whose husbands left them for the next hot young thing when they hit 30. “But he loves me!” no my darling he loves your youth and once it is gone he will leave you. How do you know? If he’s dated women his age and left them for younger women, or left his older wife or girlfriend for you he’s showing his true spots. You will be in her place in a decade or two. I’m sorry but thems the breaks. Age appropriate dating 10 years younger 10 years older I’m all about it. It seems to be an easy rule for helping to get rid of the sketch wads, takers, losers, and liars.
– All my sisters let’s never date or flirt with married men, ever. We don’t want someone to steal our man so let’s stop stealing other ladies men! It’s hard enough to find a partner without having to worry that every single girl is a potential threat to your happiness. Good news it’s 100% within our control we don’t need men to collaborate at all to succeed here. Just never flirt with a married man, never sleep with him, never date a man who is currently in a relationship. It’s really pretty easy. I’ll tell you my secret solutions, I think of the taken men as eunuchs (google it), like Ken dolls with no genitals it actually works really well! Also, talk more to the girlfriend/wife then the men when you’re chatting with them as a couple. If a married or taken man ogles you look only directly at the women, never smile back at that man. Let him know you have more respect for his lady then he does. If needed pantomime “I’m sorry” towards the lady, that should stop the staring in short order. If you man stares call him out on it. If he doesn’t get it spontaneously start doing the same things he does to women to any attractive men in the area. Explain that that’s how it feels and neither of you should have to feel that way (unwanted, overlooked, not chosen).
3 things to make you feel better:
1) People only show you their highlights reels. Don’t compare your everyday to someone else’s highlights. Get the hell of FB and other social networking sights they will just make you feel worse because you are now comparing yourself to others. Each life path is totally unique.
2) If you are feeling low about being single try celebrating the good things like traveling, starting a new hobby, picking a crazy sleep/work schedule you couldn’t keep with a relationship. Avoid weddings and baby showers, again they will just make you feel sad and lonely and you’ll be subjected to keeping up with the Joneses syndrome. If you have to go repeat the mantra “I’m here for my friend, not for me” and avoid the mom-corner where you’ll feel left out.
3) If you’ve decided to be child free GOOD FOR YOU! If you are over 30 and single GOOD FOR YOU! Don’t let society or old outdated norms get you down. Only you can let those bad vibes in, just shut them the hell out. I like to turn whatever it is around on the person just to try and illustrate the point and change some minds. For example some douche bag asks me for a threesome here’s my response “Hmm alight we’ll I’ve always fantasized about 2 men at once. So if you’re willing to get together with a hotter younger man and get it on with me fantastic!” At this point he’ll flubber around because he was obviously thinking 2 girls… Another good one is to ask the person if they would do the same for you, and you get to go first because you know “ladies first.” That will pretty much deflate any ridiculous propositions, plus it makes the guy think for a minute about what he’s really asking.
4) Never do friends with benefits if you like the guy at all and definitely not if you want a boyfriend. And I mean at all. If you like him as a friend, don’t do it. If you want more than friendship, don’t do it. If you want a boyfriend you need to keep that sex drive well driving you! Friends with benefits is generally designed for the man, not the woman, be forewarned you’ll be propositioned for this in any big city. My advice just say NO.
Men this is advice is for you:
– Fer the love of all that is holy PUT DOWN THE VIDEO GAMES and go out and interact with real humans. Once a week I want you to pledge to go somewhere where you don’t know a soul and introduce yourself to 3 interesting people. Men, women, children, doesn’t matter. You are practicing the fine art of socialization. You will need this skill to snag a gal. SF is really bad for interpersonal skills in particular because of the thriving tech industry. You’re just ace at thumb skills what you are not ace at is being confident in social situations. CONFIDENCE is the biggest turn on and the only way to get there is by working on it. Put in as much time as you do to meet and interact with ladies as you do with video games and you’ll have a women in no time.
– Men, don’t believe the hype that you can father babies whenever, 3 new medical studies men agree that men loose 50% of their sperm count by age 40. Not to mention close to 40% of 40 year old men suffer from fertility problems. Determine if you want children by your thirties, so a little later than the ladies, but still far earlier then most men begin thinking about kids. We’re human folks we cannot have babies up until whenever we feel like it. We may want to extend our own ‘play time’ of Peter Pan time but we really have to grow up and have our darn kids before 40 years old for both men and women. That means you’ve got to get serious about it by your late 20s. 40s is just far too late for you to be considering children. If you want a legacy consider passing along your inheritance to a non-profit of your choice. There’s no guarantee a child will live longer than you will, nor that they would actually use your money wisely at all. Kids are not a way to make up for a crappy childhood, or a lack of ‘things’ that you didn’t have growing up, children are not blank slates they have their own minds and free will.
– Please try and see sexually active women as awesome rather than slutty. It’s a sad sad sad state of affairs, help us men! We want to be OK for being open to love and enjoying safe sex among consensual adults but we’ll never be able to unless you reinforce that it’s OK and sexy to be an experienced sex partner. When you look distressed if we’ve had more sexual encounters, if you talk about us behind our backs as whores, sluts, easy, you’re hurting your own cause- to have lots of unattached awesome sex. If you want sex outside of marriage you need to reinforce that a woman having lots of sex with many partners is great, and settle down with those girls with pride. Right now you have lots of sex with the easy girls, then ditch them and try and find as close to virgin as you can to settle down. Wow, that’s pretty low and bad behavior. Women do not criticize you for lots of sexual partners be a big radical amazing man and actual love nurture and settle down with women with some sex miles on her odometer.
– Want more sex? Want to avoid kids? What more free time? Less mind games? All of that happens to a lady around age 28, yup that late, so unless your lady is that old or older you are looking at dealing with all that whoo-ha and tons more crap that comes with growing up. Date as many years OLDER as you do YOUNGER. So if you date 10 years younger also date 10 years older. If you are 40 and want to date 20 year olds- ewww seriously grow up man! That’s gross and ridiculous, those ladies could be your freakin’ children. You do NOT look younger next to her, you look older. No one except for maybe some random 20 year old frat guys thinks you look ‘cool’ with a younger women. Do you really need to impress 20 year old frat guys? Aim to impress yourself and your family. The woman should be a lady, not a young girl.
– Dating ESL ladies or mail order brides are not solutions. How would the ESL ladies feel if they knew you were just with them because they didn’t want to deal with a woman growing up and typical relationship issues? Those women will be the same, they just cannot communicate to you as well! So they suffer through the same things, just in silence. Those same issues will bite you on the butt. In fact the whole “I’ll date a South American woman, she’s easier to please.” Hahaha! Have you ever lived in South America? I have. Those women rule their homes with an iron fist, you WILL be home for dinner, you WILL be fathering her children, and you WILL go to every blessed family event and contribute to the family. I seriously laugh my arse off when I meet the mail order brides, they are all planning on divorcing their husbands just as soon as they learn enough English and so far 3 out of the 5 I know well already have. They are just using you men, just as you are just using them, do you really WANT to be used?! Somehow I doubt it. Women of all countries are wise we’re not easy to pull the wool over our eyes in any language. All you do is delay the inevitable clashes that happen in any relationship and make it harder to communicate and avoid misunderstandings along the way (as much cultural as language based). You really want to date ESL ladies because you think they are lovely, exotic, what have you, visit their home country, learn the language, make nice with their family- that’s the way to win our hearts. Not by saying we’re easy compared to the American women- sheesh!
– Learn to plan and execute on a plan. Number one skill you need to survive. Learn to plan in advance, learn delayed gratification, learn to SAVE money (spending is easy, saving hard). Do something you totally suck at until you get good at it. Those are the relationships skills you’ll need to make a marriage work. Those are the skills that will bring you confidence. I promise you making a plan and seeing it come to fruition is one of the most rewarding moments in life don’t miss out.
– Give chubby gals a chance. I’m furious at how few guys in SF are willing to date any women who doesn’t have a perfect figure. A perfect figure does not make a perfect woman. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Do not look at a chubby gal as someone to sleep with and scam. Imagine you have a daughter who happens to be 30lbs over weight, do you want some crum bum trying to “bag her and tag her” simply because she’s got some extra weight? Well hells no! So don’t do that to someone else’s daughter.
– REBEL against the stereotype that you need to slave away at a job you hate to score in life. Find a job you don’t hate. Find a job that you work only 40 hours a week. You being happy and available will solve all your dating problems. Not kidding. Not working as much also solves bedroom problems. You need time, you need less stress, you need to work close to home, you DO NOT NEED $ to make happiness. It’s a bad lie, don’t believe it. Any woman who is asking you to support her is a gold digging louse. You don’t need her, you need to man-up and date a real women with a job so you can work less and enjoy life more!!!
– A real woman will support you in times of need, and we all need support at times! We’ve already been through a dot.com crash and a financial crash. Try, please truly try dating a women who earns as much as you do if not more. I’m so very tired of trying to explain how 2 salaries make rainbows and happiness easy, and one salary makes tension and arguments. Let’s both work less so we can spend more TIME together not more money! Why is that so crazy pants? Quick stats 40% of households have the women as the primary breadwinner and every household where this occurred their combined income was far higher then any single man with a stay at home mom model.
– Don’t be a commitment phobe. There is nothing less sexy than someone who cannot take a risk on a person. Be a person risk taker! Forget risky stock options how about risky stocking options hehe, date a real woman in your age range. YES we know you are giving up your sacred free agent penis rights. It’s a bold thing to do and we will love you forever for choosing and sticking with your choice.
– In my humble opinion your male friends will be the death of your happiness if you let them talk a bad blue streak about your life. STAND UP for your lady, your lifestyle, your choices. They are yours to make OWN IT. Tell your friend to shove it. If you love that chubby woman who is 10 years older than you but really gets you, supports you, loves you, and would climb across an exploding volcano to bring your home made lunch you forgot on the kitchen counter be PROUD. You made it! That nay-sayer is just reflecting on his own self. Guys do this to each other and it’s irritating as all hell. Don’t drag someone down lift them up! Congratulate them on their age appropriate date. High-fives for true love! If you want to get your lame-arse on then harp on dudes with the arm candy, the guy with the mail order bride, the dude slinging porn recommendations, and the dude waxing philosophical about ESL ladies and how much easier that is. Those dudes are living in the fantasy. I can tell you one weapon. No women, old, young whatever looks at a man with a mail order bride, or a super young wife, and things “oh gee he’s awesome” you want to know what every woman thinks “Oh my that’s pathetic. I sure hope that women takes him for all he’s worth and leaves his wrinkly butt.” For serious. He’s only fooling his lame guy friends. His real guy friends are hopefully trying to save him from making a terrible life choice of going for looks and youth over substance.
– Having an age appropriate women fall in love with you and want to marry you is the ultimate win! Convincing a girl to be with you- nope never do it. Won’t work and you’ll just make yourself crazy.
– If you don’t want kids please be honest with a lady and sooner then later. Also please be honest with your mum. Tell her it’s your choice and for the good of all don’t try and pin it on your poor unsuspecting girlfriend. There’s nothing worse then being cornered by an upset mum about how “You won’t give her grand babies!” And let me just tell you fellahs I’ve been there about a half dozen times even on just dates! Whew help a girl out here and deal with your parents expectations directly and not through your girlfriend.
3 things to make you feel better:
1) In general women want commitment so when you are ready there’s a panacea of women out there just waiting for you to choose them. Please do choose only one ;) so there’s enough to go around hehe. But really, once you commit to commitment you’re set. If you are having a hard time check out my section on determining what you really NEED not what you want.
2) Please my noble men don’t give up on putting yourself out there. Women are getting shot down just as much as you are. We soldier on, so can you! Learning to deal with rejection is not fun but it’s an important skill it will serve you well in your career as well as your interpersonal life. Remember she is not rejecting you, she is rejecting the idea of moving into romance with you. If your really interested in her as a person be a friend without expectations. If you are all hung up on her looks go back to that realism list of NEED v WANT. But yes your lady equals are having just as hard a time as you are.
3) I promise you if you cut down on porn you’ll see immediate and positive results in your life. You would be shocked at how many of your fellow men suffer from forms of porn addiction, why not start a conversation about it with a trusted friend? I’ve helped several men form support groups just in their own social circles. Also, professional help can be key, there is only great courage and admiration for a person who is strong enough to ask for help.
4) There are plenty of beautiful women in SF, there really are, just as many as in other parts of the world. We’re just not in the bars because we get hit on rudely, mercilessly, and cannot get a break from it. It’s true I don’t even go in bars anymore. I’m 36 and I actually have those ‘perfect girl measurements’ and a super youthful vibe. I get hit on and then dropped like a hot potato when they find out my age. It’s terrible for my self-esteem so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore. If you want find child free amazingly beautiful women start talking to us on the street, in the grocery store, book store, concert, lecture series. You need to pounce on us in our natural environment rather than looking in ‘setup’ places like clubs and bars. Four amazing pick-up lines that worked on me: “It is an amazing day in San Francisco today look at that sunshine!” “You have the loveliest smile, I just cannot stop smiling back at you!” “I never do this, but I just had to come over here and say hello (in grocery store)” “I just saw you help that older gentleman into his car, that was amazing, I’ve never seen a girl help an older man before who are you?”
Ladies remember men are being asked to give up the ULTIMATE sacrifice in dating for them- their free agent penis rights. Seriously, they have to go against their very core hormonal biological instinct (to disseminate their biological DNA to as many females as possible to perpetuate the species). When you think of it that way men are just freaking amazing for trying relationships with a single monogamous women at all. They fight evolutionary heritage to love us women. Men know more intimately then we women ever can the seriousness of a long term relationship. So they are going to be cautious just in general and really want to find a women that inspires them to willingly give that up for her. Ok so that’s me trying to understand the base instinct of man the driving force behind the social trappings. Men (for some insane reason) judge other men’s women ONLY on their looks. Seriously, when a man says to another man “You can do better” it’s never about her being more nurturing or warm or funny or intelligent. It’s always that she needs to be younger or more attractive physically. It can help because it’s not your essence that’s being rejected it’s more likely insecurity in the guy then anything else. He’s not able or willing to stand up for you, who needs someone like that!
Men remember ladies fight all sorts of cultural prejudice about their bodies, sexuality, and societal pressures, we’re essentially treated as a mobile womb. If we choose not to have kids we are vilified, questioned, relegated to the ‘old lady with cats’ lifestyle. If we are seen with an older ugly man it’s no biggie, if we however are deemed less attractive then our male partner we have to deal with an evil chorus line of his friends “why are you with HER? You could do so much better” and of course since he’s only just seen you he’s judging you 100% on your looks alone. If we like to have sex and have had more then a few partners we’re sluts. So if men ask us we’re put in a position of lying or avoiding the topic of sexual conquests. Our bodies are used to sell everything from eye drops to vacations. If we’re over 30 we’re considered completely un-datable. So when you ask us for no strings attached sex, told you’re not into kids, and there’s no long-term commitment with you we’re outta there faster then greased lightening :) You are hitting all of our hot button issues. We’ll be old and alone. We won’t have kids and face the consequences of missing out on that part of life. We’ll be negatively viewed by both men and women for just having fun sex with you. If you want free wheeling sex then high-five us and put a ring on our finger when you find out our sex numbers are in the double digits rather than heading for the hills. If you want no kids then stop judging us by our biological age it doesn’t matter how old we are if kids are out of the picture. If you want younger women think about what that is saying about you, I guarantee making some self life changes will go farther towards healing those open wounds then any arm candy.
EVERYONE! We need to value interpersonal relationships more. BOTH genders need to pluck up the courage to start more conversations with strangers, to walk down the road and speak up, to go outside your comfort zone and say join a sports team, volunteer in the community, introduce yourself wherever you to to interesting people (NOT beautiful people), to people of all ages, races, both genders whenever they strike your fancy. It’s good to do this, put yourself out there, let people know when they really inspire you and talk talk talk to each other face to face as much as possible.
Notes about this writer:
– Sigh, notice how people obsess over woman’s looks to validate or invalidate her statements? Bizarre is it not?! Here are my validating women stats: I am 5’6″ green eyes dark hair, 127lbs. 36″ bust, 29″ waist, 36″ hips. Men that don’t have any interest in sex with me have called be beautiful with no prompting. This year I was carded at a beer garden in Germany. My friends who live there laughed so hard because the drinking age is like 16 there and they had never seen anyone be carded ever. So obviously I look young for my age. This should hopefully validate some of what I’m saying because I am not the old spinster, complaining young women with not enough life experience, vastly overweight woman, non-feminine lady that every negative comment on this forum seems to say I need to be to agree with the author. I am vivacious, desirable, and I get raw physically driven attention from men. It’s just not the real-deal settle down and marry me attention that I need. That is where the crux of my arguments carry significant weight. I am in the ideal women range according to raw beauty data and yet I have had no luck finding a long-term relationship in San Francisco. I have been here through my 20s and I got the same ridiculous excuses and statements then that I do now. I believe this should lend some credence to my experiences.
– I learned to be happy alone. I spent years perfecting this valuable skill. When you are single work on it. It’s amazing the knowledge helps me remain calm under pressure, I know myself super well, I know when to challenge myself and when to nurture myself, I know what I want and what I cannot deal with. I don’t need to rush into anything. I am fully self sufficient and will be able to retire by 65 all on my own. Now there’s some real power and it didn’t cost me a dime just some time.
– I honestly don’t care about marriage (see 9 yr relationship no marriage :) I want the man to wake up each morning and say “Yup I choose her today and everyday” but you don’t need a fancy dress or a ring for that, you just need commitment and someone willing to put in the time and effort. Consider who a marriage is really for.
– When I’m really stuck in life I see a trained therapist and talk it out. Asking for help is a strength, therapists are really great sounding boards in life!
– I find healthy outlets for depression and stress- exercise, making music and dancing! Works wonders.
– I made a plan to get out of debt quickly and then only pick jobs where I work under 40hrs a week. I love my job! It’s possible, just make a plan and stick to it, works miracles. I truly wish I could find a man that I could talk to about my job because I truly love it and want to share. I understand that we’re not there yet but oooo boy guys if you could work on that career ego thing you’d have some really grateful women!
– I have had true love twice. Once at 15 oh man were we smitten. Second was in a fully functional 9yr relationship. I am sad to have missed out on my first love (he’s married with kids now) but happy I did not marry the second man who needed me to be the primary breadwinner but never helped around the house, supported my career in any way, and constantly belittled me and my thoughts in social situations. Looking back I’m sure he was pretty depressed and threatened that his women was supporting him for all that time. So ladies finding true love does not equal marriage. Guys, the experience, the risk taking, the journey of fully exposing who I was to those men was well worth the time investment. Both men feel the same way, we still talk from time to time. If you find an age appropriate women who knows herself you’ll feel the same about taking a risk with her.
– I decided I didn’t want kids when I was 15 and have never regretted it or looked back because I only see a small handful of parents ever look happy. I believe raising children is really overrated. Don’t be afraid to say the same. It’s not popular right now but it’s a trend the more education you give people the fewer kids they have. I do not dislike children, I work with about 600 different kids every day. I have far more impact on their lives then many parents do and every parent says I’m one of the best role models for their daughters. So I feel good, I feel fulfilled, I feel like I have thousands of kids instead of just one. If you feel empty without kids why not volunteer to work with kids? Babysitting for friends or family can help too. Really spend time around kids and you’ll know in short order if parenting is really something you want or just something society is telling you you want.
Best of luck everyone!
The pursuit of happiness is associated with selfish behavior — a “taker” rather than a “giver.” What you need is “meaning.”
Instead of looking for a guy in terms of what he can provide or bring to the relationship, try looking for someone who YOU want to make happy. That in return will give you “a meaning” and that meaning far surpasses happiness.
Happiness cannot be pursued, it must ensue. :)
Well put. It’s ironic that, for all her griping about how clueless and disconnected San Francisco men are, she seems to display it to an equal degree, just in different ways. She believes, being privileged with this upbringing or that education, that she is under some kind of noblesse oblige to elevate America to her personal ideals. She so off-handedly paints people with broad and simplistic brushes, based not on serious sociological study, but on her personal experience. She yearns for “passion”, but places responsibility for it’s generation on her ideal partner, and dismisses the warnings of women (who, unlike the author, I assume, have actually had relationship experience) that passion fades, missing the implication that it takes more than passion to sustain real relationships. Do narcissistic, chauvinistic, puerile men exist. Sure. I’ve met my fair share of equally shallow . Do I dis an ENTIRE CITY because I have encountered such people? Does she really believe that the other women around her who seem to nab her idea of the perfect man just “lucked out”? Are there just not enough good men to go around? It couldn’t possibly be a problem with her attitude. No! There must be something wrong with the whole of San Francisco.
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