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“And, despite all the ways we’re bred to be independent, there is something undeniably, deep-down-biologically appealing to finding someone who can and wants to spoil you”
…woman, read that line. Re-read it. Self-reflect.
All this negativity that you wear like a crown comes from you, not from “men of San Francisco”.
Completely agree. I think you’ve set your sights on a bullseye so particularly specific that you have talked yourself out of the men of San Francisco. Stop focusing on finding a millionaire, alpha male, socially suave, model with a perfect bone structure and actually go meet someone before writing them off with your stereotypes.
But that’s exactly what she’s looking for: she’s just ranting that she hasn’t found Mr. Perfect yet and that her biological clock is slowly but surely ticking away…
NO HONEY BADGER, you must be a geek girl, SAN FRANCISCO men suck, they are unattractive and have low social skills—– this paper hit it right on the nail!!
…you obviously haven’t dated men in san francisco, honey badger. she’s right on. the negativity comes from dealing with situation after situation of disappointment and there are MANY women in this city who feel the same. ageing playboys are also known as “peter pans” and there are a lot of them here in san francisco. it’s a fact.
i find a lot of comments by men on this site to be derogatory towards women, and defensive, which is interesting. maybe they realize there is truth in this article and don’t like what they’ve read?
I’m a silicon valley engineer. Been doing this for a long while actually and I get a nice laugh reading this! I’m not like this (pretty sure, haha). And I feel comfortable knowing this because some of it I found shocking quite frankly!
It IS shocking! She’s a decent writer and obvs the subject matter and title entice. I’ve got stories out the ying-yang dating in this city for almost 20 years. There is NO WAY she is not making up at least 50% of this. Somebody is trolling for a book deal or a ‘Girls’ set in SF. Entertaining? Sure. Real? No effen way.
It’s funny how men have spent years, wait, centuries evaluating and judging women; creating stereotype upon stereotype of the kind of woman they want to sleep with or date. And here is a woman with good writing skills and a keen eye for social norms writing some pretty damn funny stuff about men, and they’re imploding with outrage. No one questions the obvious possibility that “He’s Just not That Into You.” And maybe, Honey Badger, you’re right that some of this negativity and meekness comes from women’s own heads (just as complacent positivity might come naturally to men). But women — like (some) men — ought to have standards. They ought to have the strength to decide someone isn’t good enough for them. And men ought to consider that it’s perfectly natural that it’s actually “she” who is “just not that into you.”
I have no problem when women set standards for who they want to date/marry. However, just like for men, if those standards are based upon narcissistic and materialistic foundations, this person is just rotten to the core.
Whoever wrote this needs to move back to N.Y. Or let, even better, let me provide a spot-on suggestion: Paris, France. Her rants are disturbingly similar to those of your typical spoiled French girl who lives in the Auteuil-Neuilly-Passy area (16th arrondissement). How do I know? Because I had the “pleasure” to be born and raised in that area.
Alright, this was a fun read but I’m done.
Good luck in your endeavors, stranger.
“Has all this, all this hard work and focus and education and patience….has it all just been to prepare me to be a suitable wife to an accomplished older man?”
If you are lucky. If he has any common sense he will find a younger, nicer, prettier girl to be his companion instead of dealing with your bitchy ass. Preferably from the foreign country where he’s settling.
I’m buying some Purina stock; I predict a lot of cat ladies in the America’s future.
Your problem is you, you find a way to write off any man who would potentially have an interest in you. Have you ever thought of not dating a rich man, why not date a normal guy?
I agree women ought to have standards, but saying I want to date a good looking, rich young man, with time for me to work 40 hours a week, o and works out. Is like saying I want to date supermodel, whose rich, with time for me, under 25, gives amazing sex and 4 blowjobs a day never gets tired, takes care of me and pays my bills. Its not realistic because any woman of that calibre, which is exceedingly rare, would probably not be interested in a slightly above average guy. They’d be looking for the same guy you describe, and she’d get him over you.
I guess your real problem is
1) your insecurities seep into all areas of your romantic life. A man compliments you with a good romantic compliment. And you find a way to spin it into some he must be a misogynistic old fart, trying to turn me into his house slave.
2) Your unrealistic expecatation, when your handsome 30 y/o rich model husband marries you, at some point he is going to want you to make kids for him.and have to expectations of the old man
3) Why don’t you just become lesbian, since you have such a problem with the entire male race?
This is an interesting essay that makes me think, particularly when I read the dialogue you quoted: “Let’s move to Tuscany.” / “Haha you know I can’t do that. Where would I work? …” etc.
Call me naive, but it seemed like a genuine, romantic proposal coming from a creative, entrepreneurial mind, said to a girl with some controlling tendencies. “Where would I work? What would I do?” … Your reactions come off as fear the unknown, fear of not knowing the immediate end-point to any endeavor, which is the opposite of an entrepreneur.
It seems like it was, and still is, a threatening conversation to you, so you pick on the last phrase to criticize in your essay, “Who does he think I am, who do I think I am, to actually swallow this line?” Sure, it could be viewed as just-another-corny-line-from-a-cougar; it could also be viewed as a sweetly intentioned compliment to the girl he likes. (Or perhaps you just didn’t feel as strongly about him as he did you?) But it’s not the point I think.
I’m not saying you should have leapt at the offer — perhaps you really love your company… But nor did, “I love my job, we’re doing awesome stuff I’m so excited about,” come up here. Instead it appeared as though you were simply blocking off all avenues of creative, flexible options to see a future with this guy. And he probably saw your fear of this unknown end-point that he was proposing, and so he did two gentlemanly things: He wanted to wrap up the discussion that inspired such fear, and did so with something that he thought would make you feel good. The argument of whether a late-twenties year old should “buy” this line isn’t the point either then.
I might be wrong, but thought it worth pointing out this possibility. Honestly, I’m guilty of the same behavior (of balking at the unknown)… I’m working on it. (I’m in your demographic too: well-educated, white, female, attractive. I’m also married to an entrepreneur.)
Good writing, I’d look forward to reading more.
PS: Unless I read you wrong, and Paris guy is the same as Tuscany guy… and if so — Girl, how could you go to a 6-course dinner with a guy and think it was to talk about your job? Otherwise, ignore this postscript.
The bay area, it’s not really a place for a person who believes in the rights, freedom, and beauty of the common man.
I love your bravery and courage for speaking so openly and honestly about the veil that covers the bay area; a veil that by all accounts that is hailed as the most amazing, eclectic, place in the world to live! An extraordinary mix of people who are ALL the the very forefront of human existence in every way, technology, healthcare, spirituality, education, research. Furthermore on top of all of that (as if that is not enough!) every person there possess supernatural social charm, social skills, with the most incredible social circles mankind has ever seen. There has been nothing like it since the rise of the ancient Greek civilization. It sounds glorious to anybody.
The fact is, lift that veil and you will so clearly find underneath the cover an entire society that is by all accounts unethical, immoral, shallow, backstabbing, and heartless. Truly genuine and authentic people are few and far between there if any.
I left after ten years of working in a high paying job for so many reasons mainly because it was difficult to find a decent honest down to earth authentic soul among the pickings out there. Furthermore changed my career to work in a helping counseling profession and God forbid I live in the bay area (taking a salary cut from $200,000 a year to about 50k, 65K if I am lucky when my degree is complete) and associate myself with work that is among the masses. Work for the sole purpose to reach out to others in need and who suffer to help, heal and transform their pain and suffering and agony, to help alleviate the pain and lift the crosses some must bear. God forbid I work in the bay area and so much as speak of making a life change such as that; they will call ME unethical for taking a pay cut and not capitalizing on helping others and making millions off it.
Yea… well not to mention to make a career move like that, and live there I would end up maybe out in half moon bay or the Santa Cruz mountains if I am lucky, a good hour from any city just to be able to pay rent on a space as nice and big, warm and cozy as anybody’s garage to call home.
The bay area; it is not a friendly place. And the people there work everyday to make it what it is, create it into what it is, that makes it that way and they are VERY proud of that. I did not want to be part of that anymore. I stayed long enough to search for that pot of gold at the end of the bay bridge that I heard so much about that existed only there in the bay area; and that pot of gold is as illusive as the one that waits at the end of the rainbow. Like I said, it’s not really a place for a person who believes in the rights, freedom, and beauty of the common man.
I think you make some very interesting points. This city has been overrun in the past half a decade by a large amount of people like this.
I have a few things to say:
1. Many of your gripes center around the influx of wealth and prosperity altering the dynamics of the city’s social scene. You speak of entrepreneurs, stock (options) and a lot of PE/VC – What I don’t think you have correctly appraised is that the cracks are already beginning to show in these artifices. For example – asserting that Facebook has minted new millionaires is true to some extent – except much of that wealth is on paper and is restricted (for a large portion of the “average” employees) – if you look at the business fundamentals of the company (and many others like it) a rational investor will see that many of these companies are, or are at least at the risk of, being significantly overvalued. While it will take time to expose this – as it always does in the public markets – it will happen. It’s starting to happen with Groupon and Zynga. These companies are worth a fraction of what they appear to be – and as a result many people are going to experience some very unfortunate realities when they have to keep paying their mortgage on homes they over paid for.
Don’t get me started about how VC’s are beginning to collapse in upon themselves – they backing vastly inferior and contrived ideas at this point under a lot of mistaken assumptions. Much of the VC activity of the past several years has amounted to little more than welfare for the wealthy.
While it is easy for many women to be taken in by the allure of an “alpha” who has raised a large amount of funding and is assuredly on his way to becoming extremely wealthy – this is model is rapidly becoming extinct in real terms – except expectations from women have remained unrealistically high. Much of the social and mobile technological infrastructure has been built out and is, in my estimation, beginning to enter into a phase of consolidation. With that will come elimination.
I am not sure how much of a student of past market bubbles you are, except I will say that we are beginning to see the very same problems emerge. I think the next time you go on a date a very important question to ask will be “do you have stock or options?” Then follow it up with “how vested are your options.” While you are at it, you might just want to ask how much stock the CEO has sold and when the lockup period expires for regular employees.
2. As someone born in San Francisco, whose family has lived in this city for over 100 years, I will be very honest when I say that many locals (men and women) find the influx of “extended-stay tourists” vexing and unwelcome. We will continue to take your money through our businesses and the ludicrous rent you pay to use our commercial and residential property, but we will never truly accept most of you.
Though we cannot fault you for wanting a slice of this life, it’s something that will be very difficult for you to achieve, culturally or socially. A large amount of your points about the social scene are “tourist on tourist” gripes. The reason it is likely difficult for you to cultivate relationships that are meaningful is because of the fact that many of the people coming here are transients.
This is a small city, and for us, our social networks begin in grade school and last a lifetime – while we will socialize with and date the visitors – locals have both different standards and different goals. Fifty years ago this city was a city of heavy industry, working people and was a union town – for many of us and our parents, we became wealthy by fiat when the tech industry developed and started bidding up the real estate. When I go on dates with local girls, it’s almost an implicit fact that we both will inherit real estate and have strong family ties. Since we both have no urge to try to check “life plan” boxes and complete our last chapter of “finishing school” through a useless degree or a myriad of startup positions – we can actually focus on enjoying and getting to know each other.
People like you are the reason that the Marina has gone down hill in the past two decades. I remember growing up there not too long ago when it was a tight knit Irish and Italian neighborhood. Kids used to run around and play even at night, everyone knew each other – now when they go down Chestnut at night they see a street lined with bars and drunken packs of chain smoking aging women stumbling down the streets on a Tuesday – loudly complaining about the dearth of men in San Francisco no less!
It’s interesting that you speak so enviously about how happy Gays are. In contrast to many who are “just visiting” – locals accept Gays from anywhere. They have come here for generations to flee the persecution they have experienced. In addition, a huge majority are nice people who are just happy to be here and be themselves. Their culture is also a big part of this city and this city is a big part of their culture.
I am assuming that you were not here during the period in this city’s history during the mid eighties and late nineties (before modern treatments) when AIDS was taking our friends and family members from us at an alarming rate. In the face so much suffering and stigma, a level of understanding and compassion arose in that community – people gave a damn about each other – they didn’t care about hopping to the next higher status prospect that meshes with their own refined internal checklist – they just wanted to see their friends or partners thriving and healthy enough to go to the park and sit in the sun.
When you have a culture focused on acceptance and compassion – amazing people are going follow. I know it might be a little shocking to contemplate the fact, but the more you raise your standards the more miserable you are going to be.
I think you need to adjust your expectations a little bit and focus on what makes people happy. The key to happiness in life is low expectations. Make some money, find someone you can spend time with and chill out. Life out here is an open system, there is no “top” you can claw your way to. Stop going to vapid trendy bars and clubs – you aren’t going to meet quality men that way. Stay away from the people that have self-selected themselves into this vapid social circle, or if that won’t work – focus on the “Nerds” and not the “Geeks.”
I just need to repost Cityborn’s comment
“I will be very honest when I say that many locals (men and women) find the influx of “extended-stay tourists” vexing and unwelcome. We will continue to take your money through our businesses and the ludicrous rent you pay to use our commercial and residential property, but we will never truly accept most of you.
Though we cannot fault you for wanting a slice of this life, it’s something that will be very difficult for you to achieve, culturally or socially. A large amount of your points about the social scene are “tourist on tourist” gripes. The reason it is likely difficult for you to cultivate relationships that are meaningful is because of the fact that many of the people coming here are transients.”
Because it is such a casually presented typical and prevalent elitist mindset of the SF bay area aborigines. A mindset that no socially or culturally evolved human being nurtures no matter where they call home.
The pursuit of happiness is associated with selfish behavior — a “taker” rather than a “giver.” What you need is “meaning.”
Instead of looking for a guy in terms of what he can provide or bring to the relationship, try looking for someone who YOU want to make happy. That in return will give you “a meaning” and that meaning far surpasses happiness.
Happiness cannot be pursued, it must ensue.
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